Learning to Date again

[still-learning]

I'm divorced not yet a year but have been dating some. Here's my situation - I've been in sales most of my life and have found that what works for me at work doesn't pan out in the dating world. I've read a lot of advice books that tell me I need to let the guy do the chasing! Okay, so I signed up for online dating to practice all of this new stuff. I've dated quite a bit already but this one date is confusing to me. We met online and we live about 60 miles apart. In early July we met face-to-face for an early dinner when I was passing through his city. When we parted he said he'd like to see me again and gave me a hug. I told him I'd really like to see him again too, thanked him for a nice time. I had a gut feeling that he was very active with the online dating so I didn't email or call him back afterwards, like the books state let the guy be the first to show interest. I didn't hear from him again until about 3-4 weeks later when he sent an email invitation join his professional online networking group. I joined and sent him an email that I thought would be the perfect mix of a thank you and the opportunity to reach out to me if he still had any interest in me. No response, so I forgot about him until I needed some professional advice. I wrote him a formal email requesting assistance and then when we spoke he asked me about our first meeting he said he didn't think I was interested in him. Some things had changed since we had met - I am now living with my parents and back in school so I said that I had nixed dating for awhile. He told me that it was no big deal that I was living with my parents and if I made plans and had to cancel that was okay, but still I declined and said I really needed to focus on school. Then I couldn't get him off my mind so after 4 days I called him and told him I'd go out with him. And we did go out. I didn't hear from him and forwarded him an email one day. He replied and said he like to see me again we planned it and had a great time together, then I didn't hear from him again until something came up and I again sent an email - again he wanted to see me. So now I realize I'm chasing him (ugh). This not want I want to do - my gut still tells me that he's very active with the online dating.

So this past Sunday, our most recent date, we spent most of the day together and I don't know how to I read this situation. At the end of our date, he kissed me tonight and told me he'd had a really good time and would like to see me again. I told him I wanted to see him again too and then he said that he had plently of time available and that I should consider coming to his city. I didn't think fast enough and didn't know what to say to something so open - I mean there was no specifics about days and things to do etc... I said I'd check my schedule. First of all what should I have said at that point?
Based on the past I think if I don't text, email, or call neither will he.
Would that be a sign that he's rotating dating partners and is waiting for me to come to him? Or maybe not?Please help me figure this out - what should I do?

[April Masini]

I think you're confusing dating etiquette (letting the guy chase the girl) with reading his actual interest in you. You are absolutely correct to not be forward when dating, and while if you like someone, you can and should flirt away to show him your feelings, you should never ask him out or chase him.

What's happening here, is that this guy just isn't that interested in you. He likes you, and he likes the time he does spend with you, but he's not interested in pursuing you enough to make you his girlfriend. The signs are all there, I think you're getting confused because the two of you do have a good time when you do get together, so you think that there's more there than he thinks is there.

Basically this guy is not wanting to put a lot of time into his relationship with you, and that should be your sign to do the same. Don't invest emotional or physical energy in someone who isn't that interested in what you want -- which I assume is a long term, monogamous relationship.

I hope that helps!

[still-learning]

April,
Thank You!
I'm going to buy your book(s). I have spent so much time on your website and I find it to be so wonderfully helpful. My only wish that I'd found it earlier in '09. Again thanks!
Lisa

[April Masini]

Thank you so much for your kind words, and I'm glad you're going to buy and read my books. I'll be interested in hearing how you found them, and what advanced questions you bring me after reading my books.