boyfriend behavior

[aurora09hh]

Hi,
I'm 25 and have been dating my boyfriend for 4 and a half years. We live together and I just asked him to move out recently because I needed my own space and time to think about our relationship on my own. I no longer believed that he was the one for me - and this feeling has been building for over a year. I really hurt him.
Also, about six months ago, I met someone else who I completely fell in love with, as he did with me. Any time we are together people comment on how cute we are together, etc. We can just look at each other and our eyes sparkle. I hadn't felt that in a long time. It started with just flirting and talking on the phone, but then, we decided to really start seeing each other. Together we decided that I would need time to officially split up with my boyfriend so that we could be together. He said he had as much time as I needed. He knew he was going to marry me one day and he was able to wait for that. He is also originally born in another country so his views on relationships are more chivalrous, which I love. For many months he would call me every day, send me text messages. Whenever we would end a date he couldn't help but call me on his way home. He told me a lot of things about his childhood, and how he had to grow up at a young age. He is very honest when he speaks and doesn't keep anything secret.
However, in September things changed. He stopped calling me. He was basically avoiding me. All he could tell me was that he had "things to take care of." To me, this seems really dangerous and probably illegal activity. I don't know what to think! He thought he had gotten everything in order and in October we spent a week together like we had in the summer. Then, it happened again and he told me that things were not taken care of yet - that there were still more things he had to do. He won't tell me what these things are. Today I finally talked to him and he told me to just leave him alone for a while. That after he figures things out, he still wants to be with me, but he can't right now. He sounded really angry about it too, everything opposite of what I had seen from him before. I know it is something serious - I know there is definitely not another girl or anything that simple.
Do I wait for him? I can't imagine giving up the relationship that we had. Now I've broken up with my other boyfriend, no longer the new boyfriend, and feel totally abandoned. How do I deal with this?

[April Masini]

You were wrong when you wrote me "he is very honest when he speaks" because your latest ex-boyfriend was anything BUT honest. When he has to stop seeing you and can't tell you why, you're better off without him. Sorry, but you dodged a bullet by not being with a man this dishonest. My advice is to move on -- quickly!

As for your feelings of abandonment, since you broke up with your 4 year boyfriend for Mr. Dishonest, who now broke up with you, they are understandable. You've had back to back break ups in a less than a year's worth of time.

What you need to do now is to heal your heart, and your self by focusing your attention on you and what you do have not on men you don't have any more. I know this sounds inanely simple, but getting good sleep, eating well, exercising, and focusing on your job are all basic healing techniques. In your free time make sure you focus on your grooming. Get hair cuts, have your manicures and pedicures regularly. If it's in your budget, get facials and massages. Make regular lunch, dinner and movie dates with your family and friends and people who are supportive of your having a healthy relationship in the future. Then start adding on new things -- like volunteering for a new charity or political cause. Taking up a new sport or hobby. And when you're starting to feel really good about yourself, which you will, start putting yourself out there to meet Mr. Right.

Neither one of your last 2 boyfriends were right for you. I'd suggest you read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, which you can download for $15.95, here http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html. It will help you figure out who Mr. Right is for you, and how you can get him.

I hope this helps. You will feel better soon. Let me know how things go.

[aurora09hh]

Thanks, April.
So he called me two days after that and acted like nothing happened. I didn't bring it up, either. All last weekend he called me a few times a day to talk, now it's been since Sunday and I haven't heard a word!
I'm going to continue to follow your advice and focus on me.

[April Masini]

Good for you!

Stay focused on yourself, and what it is that you want in a relationship and who Mr. Right is going to be for you. If you do stay focused on keeping only healthy and productive people in your life, that's who you're going to attract.

You can ignore this guy's advances or you can tell him that you're not longer interested and you wish him luck, so he knows that it's over. Of course that may not stop him from asking you out or contacting you, but at least you'll have crossed your T's and dotted your I's.

This may also be a good time for you to check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, written for women who are looking for Mr. Right and want to know how to find him, get him and keep him! You can order this book online here http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html for $15.95. It's a great investment -- if it keeps you out of just one bad relationship, you'll have gotten way more than your money's worth! You can also download it today, and be finished reading by this weekend's end.

I'm glad to hear you're doing so well, and thank you for the follow up!

Good luck!