Can't tell what is going on...

[readyforwhat?]

Hi April,

My divorce became final in September. It has been a difficult and sad year, but I am feeling peaceful and good about my past and myself... finally. So, I am ready to start dating again, but it has been 9 years since I initiated a relationship or played the dating game.

There is a man I reconnected with in July (while separated) who has become a close friend since that time. Here is the story: We reconnected (I hadn't seen him since childhood) at a family gathering of mutual friends. We spend the weekend playing and swimming, and I think it was the first time I had laughed in months. He seemed interested in me, but I was not ready to get into anything, and I didn't want to start seeing anyone until after my divorce was final. So we became just friends. He takes me to dinner and a movie, always pays. We have spent lots of weekends on day trips just to get out of town. He started stopping by all the time (3-4 a week just to say hello). He fixes things around the house. We show up at parties and friendly gatherings together. You probably are thinking, "You are dating!" That is what all my friends assume, but we have never been intimate. In fact, it feels like there is an invisible wall between us- a giant physical barrier, or barrier to physicality. We have never talked about us... I have shared a little about my process with him. He has talked about ex's on occasion, but mostly we just focus on the present. He is not a super emotional guy- not terribly intense. And, I feel like he doesn't let people get really close to him, and I have not pushed at all. So, I have not tried to have an "us talk" with him, which would likely my my M.O. I am pretty direct in general.

Now that I am interested in exploring something new with him (ie touch, kiss, who knows) I have been trying to send signals... longer, tighter hugs, kisses on the cheek, snuggling up a bit at the movie. He seems to like it, but he doesn't respond. He gives me looks (sideways eye contact and smile- holding the eyes), which others notice too. But, no action. I feel like he is giving me mixed signals. I know he is not a player- he is sort of a goofy, shy considerate kind of guy. I think he is not the type to make the first move, but I want him to show me he is wants me- and take a risk.

Now, I am kicking myself for acting the opposite of how I normally would in my life. I am a pretty solid risk-taker. I put myself out there for my work and friends all the time. Why haven't I just asked him if he would like to explore something? I am afraid it would make him uncomfortable and could affect our friendship negatively.

Advice for me?

[April Masini]

It's not surprising that you're a go getter in the rest of your life, but when it comes to relationships, you're uncertain. This happens more often than not!

My advice to you is NOT to have "a talk" about "the relationship" with him. This is the kiss of death, and it doesn't really get you what you want -- physical intimacy and sex -- it gets you....MORE TALK!! So my advice is less talk, and more change in behavior.

This guy really likes you, and has been dating you without making a move. The reason he hasn't made a move yet may be his own reticence and anxiety -- or more likely, his hesitance to scare you off, after your not having dated in 9 years, or his just not wanting to come on too strong, and not realizing you're actually more than ready for him to make the first move.

What you need to do is set the stage for him to make a move, and for him to see you as more than someone he's interested in and is dating, but hasn't really made a move on yet. You want him to see you as someone who's really hot, and who he wants, desperately, and doesn't want to let get away. You've probably been out of the dating game for a while, so you need a little refresher on enticing a man. Your longer hugs, snuggling up in the movies, and holding each other's gazes are all good. Now, you need to take it a step further. My advice is some really sexy lingerie that makes you feel sexier than you have been feeling, whether or not he sees it! Some fabulous heels, some sexier clothes, and a new fragrance. While this will surely turn him on, it will also make you feel sexier, and project that sexiness in ways you haven't already.

You can also turn up the heat on your activities together. After a long hike, you can offer for him to use your shower, and then give him a massage. Or accept one from him! Candlelight and red wine or champagne at dinner can turn a meal together into a sexy evening together.

If any of this resonates for you, I have two books that will help you expand on these ideas: The first is called Romantic Date Ideas for couples who want to turn up the heat in their relationships. You can get it here: http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html, and the second book is called Think & Date Like A Man, written for women who want to find Mr. Right and get him. This book is a great jump start on your dating life. This book you can order online also, here: http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go.