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First Time Sex Tips

First Time Sex Tips

By Sex Therapist, Dr. Diana Wiley View more articles

We do lots better if affection and touching occurs in the course of everyday life. Touch is wonderful! It manages to satisfy a number of our needs—namely comfort needs, self-esteem needs, acceptance needs, and even health needs. A deeply emotional touch carries a potent charge—research shows these touches stimulate the release of hormones called beta endorphins, which are chemically similar to opium.

Believe me, you are much more likely to have rhapsodic sex if you practice sensual touching. Use your hands as erotic appendages. But first you have to know what soothes and/or excites you...If you don't know what you want, it is impossible to communicate that to your lover.

To help, I suggest an exercise TURNING ON YOUR BODY with a sensitivity inventory. As a couple you can stand in front of a mirror, and by self-examination make an inventory of where you enjoy being touched. Focus in on sensory awareness, on what your senses are telling you, and on being fully aware and physically involved in the present moment.

Now you may be ready to discover or rediscover your partner's body with a TOUCH SESSION. Slowly caress each other. Focus in on the sensations. You may want to incorporate some massage techniques such as "light touching" (using your fingers as though they were spider legs) or "sliding" (long strokes that float over your partner's body). Play with your lover's hair—head and body hair—pull it gently. Outline the other's ear with a fingertip while kissing. Your hands may knead your partner's buttocks or stroke the crease between them. The touch-possibilities are endless! You want what you had in the beginning of life: the warmth, the contact. But, one goal is for feelings and actions to harmonize—to not just touch, but to be as genuinely loving as possible.

After the sensitivity inventory, you may want to give your partner a BODY TOUR — on your body. Develop a tactile map. Show where and how you like to be touched—use correct body-part names or nick-names that you both understand. Giving genitals nick-names, for example, can create a more playful mood and may help overcome embarrassment, if it exists.

Trying to imitate pornography—with its rush to the genitals—wreaks havoc on lovemaking. A slow-paced, whole-body, playful, massage-inspired sex is far more satisfying, and less likely to cause sex problems.

Women want foreplay—and more...There are countless surveys saying that many women prefer being held to sexual intercourse. They also often want "attention." Women define attention as eye contact, touching, etc.

Years ago "The McGill Report on Male Intimacy" emerged—neatly summarizing the differences between male/female views on sexual relationships. To wit: "For men, sex seems to be the supreme intimacy, while for women, sex is but one aspect of intimacy alongside shared experience, depth and breadth of personal knowledge, exclusivity of exchanges and a common concern for the relationship." And, you guys may have thought all they wanted was foreplay? All they want is everything!

Hang in there—the sensual, sexual and relational rewards can be exquisite!

Dr. Diana Wiley, has been a Board-Certified Sex Therapist, diplomat of the American Board of Sexology, a clinical Sexologist, and a licensed marriage and family therapist for over 20 years. Her extensive professional experience and views on sex and the erotic make her a true sex guru and evangelist, and her versatility and breadth of expertise have brought with them numerous spots on national television and radio programs—including her own popular broadcast, Live With Dr. Diana. She can be reached at

Dr Diana Wiley can be reached at

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