Seduction Tips For Men Male Sexuality
By Sex Therapist, Dr. Diana Wiley View more articles
Men don’t often talk to each other about sexual problems. That is too bad. Thirty-plus years ago when I performed as a Showgirl, my best friend was Rosemarie. We sat next to each other in the dressing-room and shared many confidences. She grew up in Germany and claimed that Italian men really are the best lovers because they don’t mind talking with each other about how to please women. I don’t know if that’s still true…It may very well be!
American men these days might talk to a caring, sensitive lover. Communication between a couple is the most important way to solve any sexual dilemma – more helpful than even the best therapist’s technique (given as a “homeplay” assignment).
Let’s start with the destructive myth that size is of major importance.
The Substandard Penis
The average heterosexual man sees other penises only in a non-erect state, where size varies greatly. Small penises grow more during erection than large ones. The average penis is six inches long when erect (with a circumference of about four and a half inches), and three inches long when flaccid.
Some men believe that a woman’s satisfaction is directly related to her lover’s penis size. Most of a woman’s sensations come from her clitoris, her labia, and the outer third of the vagina. Many of my female clients have complained of an overly large penis because it can hurt when it hits the cervix.
Sex With Himself
People in relationships usually continue to masturbate sometimes. Besides, about three in four men learn to delay orgasm during masturbation to increase their own excitement, which can make them better lovers too. Practice makes perfect!
Men who have always masturbated quickly to avoid detection may find they have to reeducate their reflexes. And, that leads us to –
Ejaculating Too Soon
Premature ejaculation is the most common sex problem of men under forty. Posing the question of how long a man should last, elicits answers ranging from one minute to half an hour. Here is the clinical definition: a man who almost always reaches his climax prior to insertion or immediately afterward within a few thrusts.
Probably the real test of a good performance is the ability to satisfy one’s partner. If he facilitates her orgasm through cunnilingus before intercourse, she’s likely to be quite happy!
Bear in mind that any man is likely to ejaculate quickly the first time with a new woman, or when he’s gone without sex for some time. (Masturbating before the new date takes place can help – the funny scene in “There’s Something about Mary” notwithstanding!)
Most men can learn greater control. The man needs to pay more, not less, attention to his sensations, using these methods:
- Use the stop-and-start technique. Either alone or with a partner, stimulate manually he feels the approach of ejaculatory inevitability, then stop. Start again when his excitement ebbs somewhat. With practice, he’ll learn to recognize what level of excitement he’s at and will be able to take more stimulation without coming to orgasm. Next, graduate to stopping-and-starting motions during intercourse.
- He can switch from deep thrusting (which stimulates the head of the penis, its most sensitive part) to a circular motion, or at least slow the tempo of thrusting when he feels himself approaching the point of no return.
- Pulling the testicles downward, slowly and carefully, may help too. This is because the testicles must rise close to the body before ejaculation.
- Try a new position, especially the woman-on-top, which is less stimulating for most men.
Erectile Dysfunction (E.D.)
For a younger man, E.D can be brought on by performance anxiety. A sudden release of adrenaline constricts the blood vessels in the penis. Besides performance anxiety, other notorious erection deflators are alcohol, drugs, emotional upsets, and stress.
As a man matures, he may need more time and direct stimulation of the penis to get an erection. The spontaneous erections of his youth are not as forthcoming.
If you are a woman, show your enthusiasm! In several surveys, lack of response on the part of the woman was rated the most unpleasant aspect of sex. Many men will say such a partner could render them impotent for the evening.
Using Viagra, with a Doctor’s O.K., can boost confidence – and, in a younger man, may only need to be used occasionally (even for some older men). This is assuming the couple is not angry with each other; to that end, sometimes I have to do psychotherapy before I can do sex therapy. Viagra can alleviate worry, and so it can encourage emotional presence. Besides, erections are good for erections!
Lack of Desire
Many men, even those who are secure about their sexuality, feel they should be able to perform at the drop of a brad strap. My colleagues and I have seen many more desire cases in the last twenty years. Two syndromes contribute: the DINS Syndrome (“Double Income No Sex”) and the TTFS Syndrome (“Too Tired for Sex”).
Many men ask why they’re not interested in sex, even when they have obvious reasons for low desire, like intense anger or fear of rejection. When a man wants sex less than his partner, he really feels abnormal.
You can expect a lethargic sex drive once in a while without taking it personally.
What to do:
- Have sex in the morning. Blood levels of testosterone in men fluctuate, rising the highest just before dawn. “T” may be 40% higher than in the previous evening.
- Put sex on the calendar. Make dates for lovemaking, especially if you’re married or living together. (See the “DINS” Syndrome above). I find that many of the couples I see need to have a date night – perhaps dinner out – where they focus just on each other – followed by sex at home.
- Once in the bedroom, don’t rush. I had a male client who overcame a low sex drive when his lover got him to sit in bed and just talk for an hour - (“emotional foreplay”!) – before doing anything physical. In that setting, he was able to relax and unwind enough to work up a desire.
Men and women both benefit from knowing more about male sexuality. More knowledge often means a person will be a better lover. Around thirty-plus years ago the idea of a man satisfying his partner was often a alien concept. They might have asked, “What would she want to get out of sex anyway?” Now men understand what pleasing their partner means, and they want to do it. These guys also now realize that if she’s not satisfied you can’t say you succeeded sexually – and we know how much men want to avoid sexual failure!
Dr. Diana Wiley, has been a Board-Certified Sex Therapist, diplomat of the American Board of Sexology, a clinical Sexologist, and a licensed marriage and family therapist for over 20 years. Her extensive professional experience and views on sex and the erotic make her a true sex guru and evangelist, and her versatility and breadth of expertise have brought with them numerous spots on national television and radio programs—including her own popular broadcast, Live With Dr. Diana. She can be reached at DrDiana@sbcglobal.net.
Dr Diana Wiley can be reached at DrDiana@sbcglobal.net.
For more on Dr. Diana Wiley please visit www.DrDianaWiley.com