Chapter 1: What Men Think About Love
I don’t know why women want any of the things that men have when one of the things women have is men. - Coco Chanel
The good news is that men do need commitment (at some point in their lives) just as much as women do, but they want it packaged differently. When people write to me asking if they ever will find their "soul mates", I tell them that they have to change their thinking processes. Our male soul mates will not be the same as us; we are not looking for our twin. Men are coming from a completely different place and traveling in a whole different mode of transportation. If you don't quite get why we're so different and why we have to respect those differences, read on! You'll be shocked to discover how different love is for men and women.
I used to believe that marriage would diminish me, reduce my options. That you had to be someone less to live with someone else when, of course, you have to be someone more. -- Candace Bergen
FORGET about implementing "total disclosure" when you first meet a man, and forget about being completely up-front, honest, and open about what you are thinking and feeling.
He doesn't need to know everything right away, because he doesn't want to know everything right away. Men do not have the same need to really "know" one another's deepest darkest secrets. Ladies, as much as you want the man in your life to want to know all about you (so he can "understand the real you" - the feeling is not mutual. Sorry, but that is a misconception I strongly advise against stressing yourself out in the pursuit of searching his soul. If he doesn't offer, don't dig. All he really wants to do is desire you. He wants to feel great, and he wants to know you do, too. He wants to show you a good time on a date that you can both enjoy. Period.
FORGET about being too available.
He wants to chase you. If he gets you too easily, you'll have denied him the chase he wants. He doesn't want to feel like he got the booby prize date that doesn't have anything else going on, and is lucky to have something to do. He wants to feel lucky he got the date.
FORGET about accepting last minute dates.
Again, he may want you tonight (or tomorrow night), but he'll want you even more if you're already busy. He'll realize that to get you, he's going to have to fend off other suitors. It sounds old fashioned, but it's true. When he does get you on a date, he'll be more excited about it.
FORGET about making the first move.
Let the man be the aggressor and the pursuer. Don't you dare lean in to kiss him on the first date or on your second date, either. In fact, don't make it too easy for him to kiss you, or more. Hugh Grant was speaking for 99% of men when he said he misses the 'chase' as a reason for going to a hooker, when he had the beautiful Ms. Hurley home alone in bed. Ladies, this is the real life - not a movie where men are tender heart romantics who never judge a woman who sleeps with them too soon. Yes, when presented with the opportunity most men will have sex, although there are always exceptionsãthey probably won't pursue a long-term romance with what they see as an easy woman. Sounds harsh, I know, but deep down they feel she's decreased her 'value'.
Factoid: Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place.
FORGET about calling men "just to talk."
Your job is to create mystery, allure and desire. If you are too available, and if you don't give him the opportunity to miss you, you'll lose the tension you are trying to build. The only reason for calling a man is to return his call. Period.
FORGET about telling a man you like him first.
Let a man express his feelings and interest first. Let him feel the sheer terror of not being sure that you will accept his feelings or even return them. Believe it or not, this is part of the adrenalin rush he craves when he chases women. It may seem cruel, but if so, it's because you don't understand his needs. The more uncertainty and terror he feels, the greater the conquest, when you return his feelings. Remember, you're not his mother. It's not your job to make him feel safe. You are there to make him keep coming back.
FORGET about stressing over petty details.
He doesn't care! He's not your girlfriend, he's a man. He's not going to care or even notice if your handbag is "a little bit off" or if you're a brunette and he's always had a thing for blondes. Quit making yourself crazy. He doesn't care about that stuff. You're out on a date with a great guy. Besides, here's how your "obsessions" are probably playing out in his head:
She didn't exactly come across as brilliant, but she sure blew my mind whenever we kissed. She snores when she sleeps, but she sleeps naked. She can't keep her mouth shut, but she loves oral sex. I can hear her pee, but as soon as she comes out of the bathroom, she'll ride me like a wild Bronco. She's on her period, but as soon as it's over, we'll have sex again. Actually, on second thought...why wait?
If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. -- Rita Mae Brown
FORGET about cheating on him.
Men look for loyalty in a woman, and while "Stand by Your Man" may have been a hit for Tammy Wynette to say nothing of the long list of women who have made it their mantra over the years, from Hillary Rodham Clinton to Mary Jo Buttafuoco, don't think for one minute a man will begin singing the same tune! Men will not forgive a cheating girlfriend.
If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. --Rita Rudner
If a woman feels like her guy is wasting her time and may never ask her to marry him, she should stop spending all of her time with him and immediately begin to date other men period. Remember, let him do the chasing, not the other way around. If he loves her, he will come after her, he will try to win her back and he will ask her to marry him. If he doesn't, he doesn't love her enough to commit to spending his life with her. And why would anyone want to be with someone who does not love you? Next!
Where and how to meet people
With the exception of those who have never dated respondents surveyed cited the following as the top 3 ways of meeting people:
1. Through friends/family (65%)
2. School (51%)
3. Work (49%)
In an additional survey:
31% met their dates from a Night Club or Happy Hour
20% from a place of worship
(church, synagogue, mosque, etc.),
19% went on a blind date 14% met via on-line chatting.
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