4 Things That Can Change Sex in a Marriage & Tips for What You Can Do About it
Dear April Masini,
I just had my second child and seem to have lost my desire for intimacy. Is this natural? I'm afraid it's really starting to hurt my relationship with my husband. Do you have any tips for how we can bring my sex drive back up and get back our hot and heavy relationship?"
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Limping Libido,
It's completely normal for couples with new children to lose their sexy spark.
Here are three reasons why:
a) A woman who's just given birth has hormone changes that are not back to normal, and won't be for a while. If she's nursing, her sex drive may disappear for the time she is nursing.
b) Going to bed together has less to do with sex than it does with catching up on sleep. Newborns often wake up every two hours to be fed throughout the night. For months. This can take a toll on couples who used to view bedtime as play time.
c) More than one child in the house can make privacy and a sexy lifestyle that you had before kids, a thing of the past.
Marriage changes sex, but so do lots of other things -- having children, your age, your partner’s age, a death in the family, or some other tragedy, etc. The reason I mention this is that marriage is just one of the things that can change sex, and more importantly that sex is a dynamic function of a relationship and it will change in your relationship. If it does, for better or for worse, relax. It will go through peaks and valleys, and while you shouldn't ignore the valleys or count on the peaks, your best defense against an unhealthy sex life is awareness -- both of your own body and mind and your partnership.
4 Things That Can Change Sex in a Marriage & What You Can Do About it:
- One partner puts on weight and feels self conscious and unattractive, or the other partner finds the weighty one unattractive.
Remedy: There are lots of reasons that people gain weight and lots of ways to justify it, but only one remedy. Get back in shape. Take a healthy approach to losing the weight by revising your diet and exercise regime and just do it. Do it alone, do it with a friend or do it with your partner. Denial doesn't work here. A head on approach to health and weight loss and staying sexy is part of your responsibility as a partner.
- Having children kills your sex life.
Remedy: Make your sex life a priority. This takes discipline, if your hormones are working against you -- for instance, if you just had a baby and are nursing, you don't feel like having sex. But find a way to pleasure your husband as a gift to him. You don't have to be into it to satisfy him. Another way to remedy this situation, if you have lots of kids who are always barging in, is to make your private time with your spouse part of the family routine, just like chores are. You have to explain to the kids that you are going to lock the bedroom door for one hour (assuming the children are old enough to be left unsupervised, and if not, with a nanny or babysitter), and it's private time for mom and dad. Teaching the children respect for your marriage is an important tool that they can take with them as they grow into husbands and wives, themselves. A third way is to make a hotel date with your spouse and pull out all the stops – role-play, buy some sexy lingerie, take a field trip to a sex store, etc. I cannot help but recommend my book Romantic Date Ideas ... there isn't anyone who could use a few new sexy and romantic date ideas and this book for ALL couples Need some more ideas to add sizzle and spice to your days and nights, buy my book, Romantic Date Ideas and put the X back into your sex life.
- Age brings dips in sex drive.
Remedy: If you and your partner have different sex drives at different times in your lives consider acceptance and compromise. Sometimes you can have sex with your partner even if you don't want it, just to give them pleasure, as a gift. There are also ways to get into the mood, like hiring a masseuse for a double massage, then bringing on sake and fresh fruit slices, some green tea scented candles, beautiful, clean, fluffy towels, and once the stage is set, the massage has relieved you of your tension, you may feel differently about sex. On the other hand, many people -- women, especially, become more at ease with their bodies, and experience a greater sex drive as they age. This can be very exciting for her partner, and may open up a whole new frontier of sexual possibility and better sex.
Remedy: If one partner strays, the marriage is not necessarily over. Many couples wrestle and overcome this problem, and the best way to deal with it is to get some professional help. Remember that the cheater has to earn the victim's trust back, but also that the victim must try to learn and forgive. The pain is important and can't be swept under the rug. If cheating becomes chronic, then the problem may be insurmountable, but be sure to get help.