Advice for Becoming Involved With an Older, Married Woman
The Top 5 Reasons You Should Find Someone Else to Date
Dear April Masini,
I'm in love with a lady I've worked with for two years now at a national store. I'm 20 years old and she is 40 years old. We started out talking once in a while. Now we talk every time we see each other. One of us will approach the other. The thing is, she's married. Three weeks ago I hadn't seen her car for a week. I asked her friend where she was, and her friend told me that her step-father passed away. When I finally did see her, I asked her where she'd been, and she said, "You can't say anything." I agreed. She told me that she and her husband got into a fight. She said she had to take a week off of work because he hit her for the second time in their marriage, and that now they are going to court for a divorce. I was in shock, but I was also excited because maybe now she'll realize that she can have a better man -- me! She said she was staying at her sister's house."
I went home and thought about all this stuff. Why did her friend say her step-father had died? Did she lie to her friend? Does she trust me more than her friend? And if so, am I more than a friend to her? After all, most people don't tell people this stuff unless they really love and trust them, right?
A week later, her car is back at hers and her husband's home. I am so upset about it. It's hard to see her when we're working. We just can't find that much time. I feel we need to talk outside of work and not on a work break or when one of us comes into the store to do some shopping. I really am attracted to her. Last week I finally got the nerve to ask her for her phone number, and she gave it to me! Now, I do have a girlfriend, but I do not feel this way towards my girlfriend as I do for my 40-year-old mistress. She said to me, I don't want to get in the middle between you and your girlfriend, and I told her -- you and I are just friends, right? She had a big, old smile and said, "Yes!" I was so happy and felt heart-warmed with her big smile. I called her the next morning and we talked for five minutes until she had to go to work.
Yesterday, I told her to give me a call when she wants me to take her out to lunch. She was like, "okay, great" with that big, old smile on her face. She also told me I looked really hot.
She must trust me to tell me where she lives and what's going on with her marriage and to give me her cell phone number, right? So, basically, I need to know what all of this means. Some people say she is nuts. But most people say it could just be her flirting. I believe it is love at first sight. I've had my eye on this woman for two years now. How do I win her? I won her trust, emotional support, and her respect. What else do I need to do? Please give me some dating tips to help me out.
Want An Older Woman
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Want An Older Woman:
You wrote to me for honest advice, so here it is:
Domestic Violence Is A Serious Matter -- Not A Detail Of A Relationship:
Number one. This woman is a victim of domestic violence. If her husband finds out she’s flirting with a 20-year-old man at work, there is a strong chance he will beat her up. If he finds out she’s dating a 20-year-old man at work, he will probably beat her up even more. There is also a good chance he will come after you, too. Unfortunately, the typical response of women in violent situations is that they do return to the perpetrator, as your friend has. First and foremost, she needs to take care of her domestic violence problem. Getting involved with you is going to distract her from her real problems. So don't mistake her flirting and unloading her emotional problems on you as anything more than the fact that she's looking for a way to make a bad situation better -- without doing the work. If you truly care about her, first things first. This woman needs to get out of harm’s way. You need to support her safety and health above all. Tell her that she needs to report the domestic violence to the police. It's probably better if she would have done this immediately when it happened, but it's better late than never. There's a strong chance her husband will commit violence again, and she needs police protection.
Dating A Married Woman Is Complicated. Dating A Married Woman With a Violent Husband Is Dangerous:
Number two. This woman is married. Wait until she gets a divorce before you ask her out on a date. It isn’t respectful of her, and it will complicate her life if you start dating her while she is married (to a wife batterer). Allow her to get her own life in order. Also, be aware that this woman chose a man who was violent as her husband. Whether or not she knew he was violent when she married him, she went back to him after the first time he hit her and again after the second time he hit her. She is also choosing you, a man with a girlfriend, to flirt with, date and perhaps get emotionally and sexually involved with. So she is, once again, looking for a man who is not appropriate. Sorry -- I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true. Most women with healthy self esteem will want a man all to themselves. They would not be willing to share, as she seems to be. If her self esteem were in place, she'd never dream of giving herself (mind, spirit, or body) to a man who is not one hundred percent hers.
If You're Bored -- Then Date Around!:
Number three. You have a girlfriend. Hello? If you really love someone else, then you shouldn’t be with this girlfriend. You should realize that she’s just someone you date, and you should date other women as well. Why spend all your “boyfriend energy” on just one woman when you already know she’s not the one. If you’re the kind of guy who can’t be alone, and your girlfriend is someone to bide the time with until someone better comes along, you should probably be aware of this. Maybe dating other women who are single and available will satiate your dating appetite, and you won't feel this need for a 40-year-old woman who is married, so much.
If She's Interested In Dating You While You Have A Girlfriend, She’s Probably Got No Intention Of Leaving Her Husband:
Number four. If your married friend is interested in dating you while you have a girlfriend, she’s probably doing it because she has no intention of leaving her husband, and she knows that you can’t fairly ask her to leave her husband if you're not leaving your girlfriend. This is now officially complicated. She is not looking out for your best interests because she knows that her husband is violent, and he could very well come after you and hurt you. If she cares about you, she should not put you in the position to be harmed. If you start to date her, then you will be involving her husband and your own girlfriend without them knowing it.
You’re going to have to imagine the possibilities here – and none of them are very good. For instance, what if your 40-year-old friend starts to fall in love with you and decides to leave her husband. Most men get angry when their wives leave. This guy is violent, and when he finds out she is going to leave him for another man (you), he’s most likely going to come after you – if he doesn’t go after her, violently, first. When people who date divorced people get together, they inherit the partner's ex and children, to a certain extent. When people who aren't divorced get together, they inherit in-laws. You will be inheriting her ex because he is part of the package that comes with her.
Here’s another equally unsavory possibility. What if your girlfriend finds out that you are involved with another woman who is married. Regardless of your idea that you’re just friends – she may not feel that you should be phoning and lunching with another woman. She could get angry and call your 40-year-old friend’s husband. This is going to lead to a huge blow up. If your 40-year-old friend gets beat up, and/or if her husband leaves her (regardless of what she tells you, she may not want to be divorced – remember, she went back to her abusive husband once already), you will be partially responsible for this turn of events.
A Mistress Is A Woman Kept By A Married Man:
Number five. You mention in your letter that she is your 40-year-old mistress. Correction! She is not your mistress. A mistress is a woman kept by a married man. You are not married. She is. If anything – you are going to become her mistress! You may think that the idea of a mistress is romantic, but you need to take your head out of the clouds. This woman has a violent husband. She’s in an unstable marriage. And you are going to take the female mistress role in this relationship if you date her. Trust me – no man who was going to take a mistress would choose a woman in an unstable marriage. A man who wants a mistress will choose a woman who is going to be no trouble. What you may be setting yourself up for is to be a gigolo. Traditionally this is a man who is kept by a married woman. At best, in this scenario, that is what you are looking at. If you’re interested in being a player – someone who dates a lot of women at once – there is nothing wrong with that – as long as they’re all single, and you’re not promising any of them anything you don’t intend to fulfill.
So, sorry, Charlie! This advice columnist isn’t going to give you the supportive, soft-pedaled advice you say you want. And you and I both know that if you wanted soft, mushy advice, you would have gone to someone else. Deep down, you want the truth, and that’s why you wrote to me -- the columnist who writes what Dear Abby will never print and what your shrink doesn't have the guts to tell you .
Don’t call your friend at her home anymore. Don’t call her on her cell phone any more. Don’t visit her at her home. Don’t visit her outside of work. Don’t take her out to lunch. You may talk to her at work, but that’s it. You are work colleagues, and that’s where any friendship should end. She’s not available in the long term sense, and she’s in a violent situation which you will enter if you get involved.
Find someone else to date. There are plenty of 40-year-old women who are single, divorced, and available who would just love to go out with you. Grab my book, Date Out Of Your League, and you’ll be ahead of your own game. I have a feeling you're bored. There are lots of ways to satiate boredom without getting into violent and complicated situations. Find a few. Maybe you need a more challenging job. Maybe you'd be happy taking up a new sport or joining a gym or a community baseball or basketball team. Maybe you want to date some more. Whatever it is that works for you -- keep it safe, and keep your love life healthy!