Advice for Dating Men in Jail
3 Reasons Women Date (and Marry) Men Behind Bars
Dear April Masini,
My fiancé and I are both 37 yrs old. My fiancé is currently in jail on a probation violation. He will be in for the next 5-6 months. I love him so much and still want to marry him when he gets out, however, I have to explain his situation to my parents because our wedding is going to have to be postponed. I know they are not going to be happy or understanding. What is the best way to approach the topic with my parents and to help them understand that he is not a bad person and I love him very much? Do you have any tips for how I can get them to not judge him, but to be supportive of my decisions?"
My Fiance’s In Jail
April Masini's Advice :
Dear My Fiance’s in Jail:
First of all, you’re 37 years old. You're not a child or a teen. You need to have your own life separate from what your parents think. You cannot “get them” to not judge him and be supportive of your decisions. You can ask. You can explain the situation. And then, you have to let them be who they are. You will have lots of choices after you tell them, depending on what their reactions are. But first things first.
Second, no parents are going to be happy that their daughter is marrying a man with a criminal record – let alone one who is in jail currently. If you expect them to not judge him and to be supportive of your decision to marry him, YOU are the one with unrealistic expectations. Besides the fact that they don’t have to judge him – a real judge already did – and found him guilty. So take responsibility for your own decisions.
Third, unless your family has a history of having family members incarcerated, so that having a husband or a fiancé in jail is somewhat normal, you have made a bad choice. You’re only 37– and while you may feel your biological clock ticking, making a bad decision and marrying and having children with someone who’s got a criminal record among other problems that usually comes with someone who can’t obey the law of their own volition, you’re going to get into deeper problems, and you’re going to involve innocent children in a situation that can be avoided.
Exceptions To The Rule – Except Your Fiancé:
There are people who do go to jail wrongly. There are people who mess up, go to jail, and become rehabilitated. There are people who make mistakes and then go on to live perfectly productive lives. However, your particular fiancé not only got arrested – he violated probation. How hard was it to not violate his probation? How important was it to him not to violate probation?
There are questions only you can know the answers to – and you may not want to hear them, but it’s imperative to your well being that you try to: Is this his first offense? How many times has he been arrested? Is this a pattern? Is this behavior of getting arrested normal among his family? How about his friends? How will his behavior affect your marriage? Why do you want your parents approval and support so bad? Is it because you don’t have the guts to say what you know that they will – which is, dump him and find someone better and more deserving of the grand prize that you are? Are you acting out by trying to marry someone that you know will upset your parents in a backwards way to get their attention?
Dating Men Behind Bars Instead of Men In Bars:
Eric Menendez, one of the Menendez brothers who is on death row, met his fiance as a pen pal who wrote him in jail. In fact, many women write to men who are on death row -- either seeking them out themselves, or answering ads that prisoners put in newspapers or other public media outlets looking for companionship and more.
The saying that "there's someone for everyone" has never been truer than in the case of women who seek out men who are on death row, for romance. There are lots of individual reasons why women romance and become romanced by these prison lovers, but here are some general ones:
1. Savior. Many women like to feel needed, and what better way than to take care of a man who needs so much and can't be even be free in society. Women who like to take care of men, will find all the good in people who have done very bad things, and celebrate that good.
2. Fear of commitment. The chances of having a normal relationship with someone on death row is slim to none, so women who have relationships with these men run very little risk of ever marrying or living married lives together in homes with white picket fences, and Volvos full of kids and dogs. By finding love with someone who is so obviously unavailable, the women who love them, can be in relationships that will never run a "normal" course -- and therefore, will never fail.
3. Victim-love. Underdogs don't believe that good wins out at the end of the day, and these underdog women see men on death row as victims, just like they are -- only these men are just living out the victim-hood in a different degree. Paranoid, and seeing the world as a bad place, women who find romance with men on death row, receive confirmation in these relationships that they are victims, as are their big house partners.
No matter what you decide about your fiance, check out my book Think & Date Like A Man for advice on how to gain the confidence to attract all different types of men!