Advice for When You Broke it Off, You Broke His Heart, and Now You Want Him Back...But Now He's Dating Someone Else
Dear April Masini,
I broke up with my boyfriend of eleven months about 5 weeks ago. I asked him last night if he wanted to go out sometime. He said he would, but right now he doesn't want a girlfriend because he is afraid of getting hurt again. He’s also hooking up with another girl at the moment, but I think he is just using her since he rejected her several times when she asked him out. How do I make my ex see that he can trust me again and that things could work between us? And when we hang out, should I make a move? I want to be back with him, but don't know how to get him back. Please give me some advice on how to get my ex back!"
Wanting Him Back
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Wanting Him Back,
I don’t know why you broke up with your boyfriend of eleven months, but unless there is some revelatory reason for you to get back together – for instance there was a huge miscommunication or you’ve undergone a huge change, which I doubt – it’s over. And he’s sending you a clear message that he doesn’t want to get back together. The problem is that you’re not accepting that message or the reality that you broke up with him five weeks ago after eleven months of dating, you’ve asked him to hang out and he’s said now, that he’s dating someone else. He couldn’t be clearer. You, however, don’t want to hear the clear message he’s sending you.
You want to believe that he’s “using” another woman and just hooking up with her. Well, sorry. It’s not your business any more. He’s having a relationship with someone else, and the nature of the relationship is between him and her. He didn’t cheat on you. He did things in the right order: his relationship with you ended, and then he started seeing someone else. He has every right to date someone – whether it’s a rebound relationship or the real thing. And even if he is just hooking up with her – so what? Men like sex. He’s taking care of his needs. He’s not your boyfriend any more.
You should not call him again. You should not write him or e-mail him or IM him. You should not try to make him trust you again. You should try and figure out why you dated him for eleven months, and you should, separately, figure out why you broke up with him. Not until you can answer those two questions, will you be able to be in a healthy relationship with anyone. This is a good time to spend a little time not dating. Focus on yourself. Don’t be reactive. Calm down and exercise, read, spend time with your family and friends. Get a new hairstyle. Buy some new clothes. Take an art class. Become independent – and get my book, Think & Date Like A Man to help you focus on your strengths as a woman (whether you're in or out of a relationship), because only then will you have the love you want.
As for wanting your boyfriend back, you’ve hurt his feelings by breaking up with him, and now confused him by wanting to get back together. If he really wants you, he’s heard your offer to hang out, and he knows your phone number. If and when he does call or come back, the best thing he can see is you taking care of yourself. There is nothing more attractive to a man than a healthy woman – body, mind, and spirit.
But don’t sit around waiting for him. That’s not healthy. Move on in your life. Spend a little time alone (not dating), then gradually get back into dating. If your old boyfriend comes back and asks you out, then, you can decide if you still want him -- or if your instincts to break up with him were right. I suspect, there's a good chance that what you're feeling right now is loneliness. Part of the growing process is learning to sort out your feelings and emotions, and it's important to try not to panic about being alone.