Advice on What You Should Know Before Your First Time Having Sex
Dear April Masini,
My partner and I have never pursued oral sex. However, we want to skip it and move straight into sex. Will it hurt when his penis enters my vagina since I’m a virgin? Is it all right to skip everything? I would really appreciate it if you could respond with any advice about sex you can give me."
Sex For The First Time
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Sex for the First Time,
I don’t know how old you are, and that would be helpful. However, I’m pretty sure that you don’t know a lot about sex, and it’s very good that you’re asking. In fact, I think you should spend a whole lot more time asking questions before you start acting on any sexual impulses you have. So let’s start with the questions you asked me:
Can You Skip Sex Altogether?
First of all, it is perfectly all right to skip everything! In fact, if you are a teen, you probably should skip everything -- especially for now. Peer pressure and partner pressure is real, and it sounds like you are experiencing just such pressure. Nothing can make sex less enjoyable and less easy than feeling pressured to have it. So, yes – it is not just all right to skip everything – it’s advisable. How do you do that? Just tell your partner that you’re not ready for this kind of sexual relationship (oral sex or intercourse, what you refer to as “straight sex”). Tell him that you’d like to continue to date and do what you’ve been doing – which I assume is kissing and petting. If he continues to pressure you to do more, guess what? You’re with the wrong partner! And although breaking up may be painful, your sexuality and your first time is too important to be with the wrong partner. Waiting never hurt anyone. Rushing did.
There is no right age for you to have sex for the first time. And when you start to have sex is nobody’s business except your own. Sex is important. So are romance and love as precursors to sex. So is trust and friendship as a precursor to romance and love! And the first time you have sex is important. It shouldn’t be anything you are pressured into. Believe me – there will be plenty of opportunities in your life for you to have sex. Don’t do this now if you are not sure you want to do it.
However, if you're not a teen, and you're, say, in your thirties or forties, and you've never had sex before, I would have completely different advice for you that would include your issues with intimacy and the fact that men do want sex in a relationship, and if you want a mature, committed relationship with a man, he will want there to be a sexual component. However, I don't think that given your letter, you are that mature woman. I do think that you're a teen. So let's continue.
Is Oral Sex Real Sex?
In addition, I want to stress to you something you don’t seem to realize: Oral sex is sex. It is sex just as much as intercourse is sex – although you can’t get pregnant from it – it is very much sex. Lots of people will tell you that oral sex is not “straight sex” or “sex”, as you seem to have learned. That’s WRONG! Oral sex IS sex. And while there is no correct order of when to do what – or even to do anything – all of these sexual acts will matter to you. If you have oral sex or intercourse with someone who is the wrong partner or who hurts your feelings, you will have to deal with the scars from those experiences for a long time after the sex act is finished. So choose wisely when to start having sex.
Pain During First Time Intercourse
Secondly, you are concerned about pain during sex. Yes, there probably will be some pain during sex for women who are not used to having sex. Yes, your vagina may feel like it’s too tight for a penis at first. Everybody’s body parts are different sizes. You and your partner will get to know each other’s bodies during a sexual relationship. The process of the relationship and getting to know each other is the joy of sex.
But there are ways for the pain to be alleviated:
- If a woman is not ready for sex, physiologically and physically, she will be likely to experience some pain. Therefore, being ready is important. To be ready, foreplay is important for women – and for men who want to be good lovers to women. Foreplay in sex is more important for women than for men because their bodies are different. Women take longer for their bodies to be ready for sex than men do. Men can be ready to have intercourse or any kind of sex a lot more quickly than women. A good male lover will not proceed before his partner is ready. Foreplay is a way that will get your body sexually stimulated and thereby ready for sex. Foreplay gets both your body and mind ready for sex.
- Confidence in your body. If you are as confident as possible in your body, you’ll be more ready to share it and to enjoy pleasure. Good grooming will give you a confident attitude. Make sure your legs are shaved, if you wax parts of your body, then make sure you’re waxed. Other things like your hair, your nails and your skin – all matter. Make sure you’re clean and as well groomed as possible to feel your best.
- Confidence in your partner. Women become invested emotionally in a relationship after they have sex much more so than before they have sex. Once you start having sex with a man you will become attached to him in a way that you weren’t before you started having sex. This is a biological function. Men don’t have the same function, and are more apt to move on after sleeping with you if they don’t want a relationship with you. If you feel confident that your partner is with you, sexually, because he wants to express his romantic feelings towards you and he values you as a partner in a committed and respectful relationship, then you will have an easier time relaxing in any sexual situation you find yourself in with him. It’s all about trust. If you trust him to take care of you emotionally, then you will feel more confident in your sexual relationship with him. This will relax your body and allow an easier sex life.
Thirdly, I would recommend that you talk to a parent, older sister, school nurse, or go to the library and check out some books on sex. You need to educate yourself before you become involved sexually.