Breaking Up While Pregnant - Rocking the Cradle - When Pregnancy Rocks a Relationship... Towards Breakup
Dear April Masini,
I'm going crazy! I'm five months pregnant with my first child and my fiance is driving me nuts! He argues with me about everything and he doesn't understand how much stress I am under. Sometimes the fights are so bad that I cry for hours. Our sex life is dwindling and I don't know how much longer I can take it. How I can stay with the man I love when things feel so out of control? Please give me some relationship advice so my fiance and I don't end up breaking up before our child is even born."
Oh Baby, Baby
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Oh, Baby, Baby,
Separation and divorce during pregnancy are terrible trials for a mother to endure emotionally, but here are a few of the reasons why some couples separate and divorce during pregnancy... as well as some tips for preventing a breakup.
1. Hormone Central. The increase in hormones a pregnant woman's body makes not only helps create a baby in a nurturing physical environment, it wreaks havoc on moods and can make 'mood swing' a polite word for the outbursts that occur. It is extremely difficult for the father to be the object or the bystander to these mood swings. It is even harder for the mother who can't help herself. If the relationship has "cracks" in it, emotionally and socially, they can be cleaved by these mood swings and outbursts.
2. Madonna/Whore.Many men actually see their wives go from someone they liked to have down and dirty sex with, before the pregnancy, to someone almost holy and pure during the pregnancy. The men are often the ones who are uncomfortable expressing themselves sexually with their pregnant wives and may look elsewhere for sex, which can cause a terrible betrayal at a sensitive time, and lead to separation and divorce.
3. Accidental Pregnancies. If the pregnancy was not planned, and the husband does not want the child, but the wife is having the baby, there can be bitter fights over loss of control. Not only does a new baby bring inequities into a relationship between two adults, but a child who was not planned, and perhaps unwanted, can bring those inequities into the relationship, exponentially.
To Prevent These Rifts During Pregnancy:
1. Safety Valve. Dads should try to adopt extra understanding, and give themselves a safety valve so they don't blow up with their wives when she has a hormone melt down. If he can understand that this is not about him, then the rants or moods will wash over him more easily than if he takes them personally. However, this is often easier said than done. In this case, seeing a therapist or having a beer with a buddy on a regular basis will give him an outlet to vent or just get some feedback.
2. Communicate. If possible, the guy should express his feelings and his conflict about having sex with his pregnant wife. The irony is that many women feel especially sexual during pregnancy — especially during the second trimester. If she knows you're a little standoffish about sex, she may be able to make things sexier for you and more inviting. Believe me, the communication will pay off!
3. Dilute power struggles. When power struggles occur in a marriage, they need to be brought to the forefront and sorted out before one or the other of the couple walks out – the ultimate power move.
4. Couples counseling. Help from a therapist or a member of the clergy may be the best help here, as well as not keeping problems in until they blow up. This is a tough problem to get over, but it is not insurmountable. It just won't happen overnight. If you want to heal this one yourself, try to figure out what it is that you're afraid of happening, and go through all the possible outcomes, and try to imagine how you will fare. Chances are, you won't get what you want, but you'll live, and life will go on.