Can I Prevent from Spouse from Cheating?
Affair Proof Your Marriage
Dear April Masini,
I have questions about affairs, specifically: Do most married people think about having an affair? Is that "normal?" Why do people cheat? Can infidelity be prevented? Basically, I want to know if there is anything I can do to affair-proof my marriage?"
Thanks, Help Me Affair-Proof My Marriage
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Affair-Proof Your Marriage:
In an interview published in the November 1976 issue of Playboy magazine, then-Governor Carter talked about committing adultery, saying in part, “Christ said, 'I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman with lust has in his heart already committed adultery.'…"I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times.”
While the factors that drive someone to cheat may vary -- a couple grows apart, they’ve forgotten (or not made the effort) to communicate and connect both emotionally and physically, the relationship has settled into a routine (aka a rut) and is now boring, or perhaps one (or both) of the partners start to think that maybe someone else can give them same feelings that their spouse once did -- more times than not, the end result is the same:
- The cheater gets caught.
- At least one person gets hurt.
Keeping your spouse interested after years of marriage involves work… Yes, they married you for you, and they likely still love you, but it is important to keep them attracted to you-- and wanting you. Complacency can make cold fish out of even the hottest couple. Stay interested and interesting -- gone may be the days of courtship, but the seduction should never stop.
April’s tips towards “Successful Spousal Straying Prevention”:
- Don't worry on credit (ie: worrying that your spouse might stray). Instead, turn that worrying into positive energy, thinking about ways to keep the excitement and passion alive in your marriage.
- Take care of yourself. Let’s be honest (it may not be politically correct to say publicly), but your spouse is more likely to stray (or at least be tempted) if you've let yourself go. Further, studies have proven, when we look good, we tend to feel good.
- Communicate -- don’t just talk, listen, and hear. Interestingly, many do not stray for s-e-x, rather because they're looking for someone who listens to them, who ‘understands them,’ and who believes in them. If something is not right between you, talk openly about it -- immediately. Don’t allow time for things to fester and grow.
- Show admiration and respect for your spouse -- everyone likes (and needs) to feel appreciated.
- Spend quality time together doing things you both enjoy. Establish a "date night" at least once in a week—and keep the date, no matter what.
- Keep the “x” in your sex life. Routine = Rut = Boredom = Time to take action and put the passion back in your marriage. When a couples sex life is good, it seems to account for only 10 percent of the marriage, but when it’s bad -- it’s 100 percent the focus of the marriage.
- Ladies, I suggest spending more time thinking about what you're going to wear to bed and less time worrying about what you're wearing out. Look hot for your man in the bedroom -- think more along the lines of Fedrick and Victoria -- less Prada and Gucci… A sexy teddy will get (and keep) your guys attention a lot better than a new handbag!
- Guys, a little romantic gesture goes a long way -- plan a romantic weekend, bring home a bouquet of flowers or write a love note -- to your spouse.
Cheating is some people’s way of having their cake and eating it, too. Since the old adage specifically says that you can’t do just that, any intelligent person knows what inevitably happens:
- The cheater gets caught;
- At least one person gets hurt; and
- All cake eventually gets stale.
For some people, the risk of number one – getting caught – is reason enough to cheat. It puts a little thrill in a life that may otherwise be lacking excitement. The same spouse day after day, year after year – some may call that a rut. (Others call it commitment, but this group is clearly of a different mindset.) These people are the most likely to have an affair, not because they don’t love their spouse (they probably still do), but just because they feel they have to do something to spice up their lives. Instead of attempting the more difficult task of actually communicating this desire to their spouse, they take the easy way out and find someone with whom they don’t have to communicate. For some, it’s a lot easier to strike up an affair than it is to strike up a conversation.
Sure, the thought of infidelity likely crosses the mind of all partners at some point in their relationship. A hot young intern joins a husband’s law firm and he finds himself daydreaming about showing her his briefs, while his wife spends her mornings making eyes at a cute stranger who buys his coffee from the same vendor, each day wondering what it’d be like to lick the foam off of his upper lip. Why do they do this? Because they know it’s wrong – and because they know they’re not really going to do it. If it came down to it, most involved people would never act on their risqué extramarital daydreams. But if these harmless fantasies help them get through an otherwise mundane workday, no harm done.