Dating Bad Boys
Why Do Women Love Bad Boys?
Dear April Masini,
I can’t stop dating bad boys. I continuously get hurt, but I’m attracted to them. Is this normal? Do you have any advice for me to deal with my obsession with bad boys?"
Signed, My Bad…Boy
April Masini's Advice :
Dear My Bad...Boy,
There have always been certain women who love bad boys and there is nothing wrong with it – unless, like you, they keep getting hurt because of patterns of similar behavior. Then, it’s time to take your bad self and figure out why you’re with these bad boys, and how to stop getting hurt .
People don’t do things without reason. In other words, there is a reason (that you may, or may not, be conscious of) that is why you are finding yourself attracted to bad boys, acting on the attraction, and allowing yourself to get hurt over and over again by these same guys – that’s right – you heard me: allowing yourself to get hurt.
Why Women Love Bad Boys
1. Women love to take care of men.
(And men love to be taken care of – the good guys love to be taken care of by a woman they love and the bad boys love to be taken care of by any woman. In fact, the more women taking care of them, the merrier.) Sometimes that nurturing instinct goes haywire, and women start taking care of their husbands and their boyfriends the way they would take care of their own children.
Bad boys are not called bad men – they’re called bad boys for a reason. Bad boys don’t act like mature, responsible men. They act in their own best interests, like children do, and wind up getting in trouble because of it. That’s why bad boys, like all children, appear to need taking care of more than men do. Women that love to take care of men, and have that nurturing thing going on full force, will feel fulfilled by taking care of a bad boy.
2. Women love to feel needed.
When women want to feel needed in order to feel necessary, their need is springing from low self-esteem. The healthiest kind of acts of charity, kindness and nurturing are those that are performed with no strings attached. For instance, when we cook someone dinner because we know it’s the right thing to do – and we know this within our selves -- then this is something we do regardless of the feedback we will get. That’s not to say it’s not nice to be appreciated. “Thank you,” goes a long way towards graceful living. But doing things for people in order to get something back is likely to lead to trouble.
One way it leads to trouble is when women become “tapped out” on the thanks they receive for normal good deeds and need more of a “hit” of feeling needed. They end up trying to rescue and help people who are deeper and deeper in trouble. Bad boys fill this role.
3. Some women feel that they don't deserve anything better than bad treatment from bad boys.
This feeling can be historical. In fact, sadly, many women learn from their mothers to cultivate relationships with bad boys. Luckily, if you’re one of them, and you’re reading this, now is the time to break that cycle.
4. Some women think sex is bad.
And the only way they feel comfortable having sex – or the sex that makes them feel good – is with bad boys. These women have trouble integrating sex into normal, healthy relationships with men who are good men. They think that down and dirty sex is bad and they associate it with bad boys.
Dating Men Behind Bars Instead of In Bars
One of the bad habits that bad boys embrace is taking off and leaving women high and dry. Ironically, the only reason that some of these women find relationships with prisoners in jail and on death row is because these men who might normally take off and run, leaving these women high and dry, emotionally and otherwise, can't. They're imprisoned, and with nowhere to go, and not much to do, having a pen pal relationship with these women who write them, is a default mode.
Eric Menendez, one of the Menendez brothers, who is on death row, met his fiance as a pen pal who wrote him in jail. In fact, many women write men who are on death row -- either seeking them out themselves, or answering ads that prisoners put in newspapers or other public media outlets, looking for companionship and more.
The saying, "There's someone for everyone" has never been truer than in the case of women who seek out men who are on death row, for romance. There are lots of individual reasons why women romance and become romanced by these prison lovers, but here are some general ones:
Many women like to feel needed, and what better way than to take care of a man who need so much, he can't be free in society. Women who like to take care of men, will find all the good in people who have done very bad things, and celebrate that good.
2. Fear of commitment.
The chances of having a normal relationship with someone on death row is slim to none, so women who have relationships with these men run very little risk of ever marrying or living married lives together in homes with white picket fences, and Volvos full of kids and dogs. (Occasionally these men do marry women they meet on online prisoner websites, but more often than not, they don’t.) By finding love with someone who is so obviously unavailable, the women who love them can be in relationships that will never run a "normal" course -- and therefore, will never fail.
Underdogs don't believe that good wins out at the end of the day, and these underdog women see men on death row as victims, just like they are -- only these men are just living out the victim-hood in a different degree. Paranoid, and seeing the world as a bad place, women who find romance with men on death row, receive confirmation in these relationships that they are victims, as are their Big House partners.