How To Escape the Friend Zone Trap
Advice for How To Get Out Of the Friend Zone and Be Seen As More Than Just A Friend
Dear April Masini,
I have been friendly with a girl at my school for about a year. She has had the same boyfriend this entire time so, although I did have some feelings for her, I never asked her out. She calls me almost every night on weeknights, sometimes multiple times on the same night. Usually she asks me a question about schoolwork and I help her out or I help guide her through papers she is having trouble with. We are in almost all of the same classes every day so she usually relies on me to assist her if she needs help with school. I am not sure if I should take this as a sign that she likes me, because she says that she often calls her friends many times, but there are many other people whom she could call to get help in those classes."
Well, recently she broke up with her boyfriend and now I want to ask her out but I'm not sure if she will say yes, and if she says no, I am afraid things will be awkward between us in all the classes we have together. We once talked about how her friends are so different from her boyfriends; she usually ends up going out with boys who get in trouble and don't treat her like they should. I'm not one of those boys at all, so I'm slightly nervous about asking her out, although I can easily make her laugh and I'm almost always willing to listen to her completely random stories even when she knows I'm trying to do work.
With what I have told you, do you think I should attempt to ask her out, despite the risk that it could make both of us awkward for the rest of the school year? Or do you think I should just try to get rid of my feelings of wanting more than a friendship with her and remain friends?
Thanks for any dating advice you may be able to give.
Sincerely, I Want To Be More Than A Friend
April Masini's Advice :
Dear I Want To Be More Than A Friend:
You sound like a terrific guy! And terrific guys are worth something. So find out your worth with this friend of yours – and if she’s not interested, move on to someone who values you for the great guy you are!
You deserve a great girlfriend or a great date, not just someone who wants to keep you around as a friend despite the fact that you’re a man – albeit a young, teenage man – who is attracted to her and wants to date her. If you don’t honor your feelings, you’re not honoring yourself, and you can’t expect anyone else to. So start by being honest with yourself. You became friends with her because you were attracted to her, and you were hoping that you’d find yourself in exactly this situation – with her available and having a trusting friendship with you that you could build into more than just friendship.
Now the time has come, and you have to make your next move. Ask her out! By doing so, she will be on the spot, but that’s what you want! If you don’t ask, you’ll never know.
As far as her wanting to date bad boys, or men who don’t treat her well, that’s her problem to deal with – not yours. Women who date men who treat them badly have low self-esteem and/or don’t’ really want intimacy. What you’re going to offer her as a date and possibly a boyfriend (if the date goes well), is a healthy, loving relationship between teens.
You can’t make her do what she’s not ready to do, nor should you. But you should do what’s right for you – and that’s taking this relationship to the next step.
If she does say no, then you should definitely move on.
Rejection is actually a gift. Who wants to date or be with someone who doesn’t want them? Not you!
So if you find out that she isn’t interested in dating you, she’s saving you a tremendous amount of time and energy because you can start looking around for someone who is.
And you know what?
There’s a strong possibility that she’ll respect you for standing up to her, and she’ll probably even find you more attractive as you move on – especially if she likes bad boys or men who treat her badly. Your saying no to her will make you more desirable.
I also recommend that you buy my book, Date Out Of Your League, and read the chapter on how women love men who are confident and self assured. You’re asking her out on a date will demonstrate that you’re both confident and self assured. It will demonstrate that you’re not afraid to go after what it is you want. And it will demonstrate that you’re not someone who’s comfortable sitting in a puddle of rejection.
You’re a winner – and if you can’t win with her – you’re going to find someone you can win with!