How to Spice Up Your Sex Life
Advice and Tips on How to Have Hotter Sex with Your Spouse
Dear April Masini,
I have a good sex life with my husband, but I feel like I'm missing something and that there's more to be had, than what we have in bed. Do you have any advice or tips for how we can have a hotter sex life and make our relationship sizzle?"
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Sexy Seeker,
Having a good sex life is such an important part of life and relationships -- I not only commend you on having such a sex life with your husband, but also on not letting yourself get stuck in a rut. Good for you! Many couples that are together for a long time have sex with regular frequency, but lose that spark because of familiarity. If this describes you and your relationship -- get my book, Romantic Date Ideas, it was written for you.
Sometimes when that happens they get bored and look outside the marriage for that spark. In many ways, looking outside the marriage is not just cheating on your partner - it's cheating on yourself. Most people who cheat learn this the hard way. They go outside the marriage and have an affair or a series of flings and then get caught and dumped. Once they're dumped, they're free to have as much sex with as many people as possible - but still, they're feeling empty. That sexual opportunity is now free for the asking, but the sex isn't any good, and they get perplexed and depressed.
Cheating is Not the Answer to Filling Any Void You Feel:
To go deeper into sex, you have to figure out what sex is. I know that sounds silly, and you're probably thinking, - I've already had the birds and the bees talk with my father or mother decades ago! But I'm not here to explain the mechanics of sex to you. That part is pretty easy, as you know. The real essence of sex is about letting go to release all of your sexuality, and this allows you to - get to the next level.
The mechanics of having sex are just part of being sexual. Anyone who is truly sexual knows that sex isn't just intercourse or a sexual act that results in orgasm. A smoldering glance across a bank or a party between two people can elicit sexual feelings without any physical contact whatsoever. The sexual feelings come from how you feel in the presence - even if the presence is just a smoldering glance - of another person.
That other person, who is your partner - for a fleeting moment or a lifetime, mirrors you. You see yourself in your partner's eyes, and the way you define yourself and behave is a direct result of what you see in their face when you look at them and they look back at you. If that partner has a sexual response to you, you incorporate sexuality into your definition of yourself. If that sexual response you see in the other person is overwhelming for you to process, you'll turn away from that person and anyone else who makes you feel that way. You will surround yourself with people who look at you and elicit a familiar or comfortable response.
Marriage is Sex with a Relative:
This is how marriages get into sexual ruts. When you spend a lot of time with one person, you run the risk of actually becoming too familiar with them. Seeing someone have the flu and vomit, do the dishes, trudge around the house in sweats with unwashed hair, and take out the trash are a far cry from any sexy image we are fed in the media of women in stiletto heels with perfect makeup and toned abs offering to cook a gourmet dinner for the hardworking husband who comes home from his multi-million dollar a month job, looking like Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio in a tuxedo. You begin to become too familiar to your partner, and that non-sexual majority of most peoples' lives snuffs out any sexual impulses that you used to have when you were dating.
So Spice it Up:
There are two ways to get this back. One way is external and the other way is internal. Externally, you can do lots of things to discipline yourself to include sexual play in your every day life. For instance, you can make time for sex, and when you do, you can spice it up by incorporating game playing like naked Twister or strip Scrabble - or you can focus on a sexy theme, like having professional shiatsu massages, a Japanese dinner with sake and sushi, and start sex in a pair of kimonos that slowly - or quickly - come off. You can purchase lingerie that puts you in the mood, or take special care of your body with manicures, pedicures, waxing and exercise classes that will make you more aware of your body and its sexual components. This list of play and external care of your body are infinite, limited only by your own imagination.
Let Go to Get More:
Internally is what separates the men from the boys and those who have truly deep sex from the more shallow sex pool waders. Because sex is a natural component of your biology, physiology, and psychology, letting go of anything that represses your sexuality, biologically, physiologically, or psychologically, will unleash your full-on sexuality.
Sound like a lot of mumbo jumbo?
Try hearing it this way: If you can let go of your worries and your preconceived ideas of what sex should be, you will allow yourself to go on your primal automatic pilot when it comes to your sexual behavior and feelings. So much of the sex we have is based on the sex we see in movies or the sex we read about - or see somewhere else. Because sex is often taboo, we don't trust our own instincts, and we look for guides on how we should behave sexually. While this is fine as a step in sexual development - it doesn't get you to truly deep, meaningful, spiritual sex.
Anytime you have limits or obstacles, you don't get your true self. This is true with sex. If you can let go of all ideas of what is right, wrong, good or bad in sex, you can be truly artistic and creative - which many people think is the same as spiritual - in your sex life. If you take the lead in this sexual existence, chances are, your partner will, too, and the road to amazing sex is limitless under these circumstances. Boredom and getting stuck in a rut won't enter into your sex life.
Hard to believe - perhaps. But trust me, check out my book Romantic Date Ideas and try spicing up your sex life -- internally and externally.