How to Stop Your Fear of Dating
Stop Fearing Rejection By Remembering Dating Is A Numbers Game
Dear April Masini,
All my life I have always been far too nervous to ask anyone out. Now that I am deeply in love with someone, I am still far too nervous to ask her out. Could you possibly give me some dating tips that will help me?"
Sincerely, Nervous Nelson
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Nervous Nelson:
I can definitely help you because you’re already willing to help yourself by writing to me and identifying your problem. You want to ask a woman on a date, but you stop yourself from doing it because you’re too nervous. Well, you’re not alone! In fact most men suffer from a case of nerves before asking a woman out – they just don’t always show it. And most women get nervous when they get a call from a man, knowing he is going to ask them out. So you’re actually helping a lot of people by bringing this very common dating problem to the table.
But Nelson – Whoa, Nellie! How can you be deeply in love with someone you’ve never been on a date with? The answer is – you can’t be. You may be infatuated with her. You may have a fantasy relationship with her going on in your head, but it isn’t real. The way it will be real, and the way you’ll know if you love her at all, is if you spend time with her, dating, in a healthy relationship. So acknowledge your infatuation or even lust for this woman – but also realize that you don’t know her yet.
How do You Get to Date the Woman of Your Dreams and Fantasies?:
The first thing I’d like you to do is try and figure out what it is that you’re afraid of – and yes, nerves are usually a sign that your body is experiencing a form of fear. It isn’t the kind of fear where you scream and run – but you may get a stomach ache, break out in a cold sweat, or lose your focus – all physical manifestations of your feelings of fear. Different people have different fears, and although I don’t know you personally, below are some of the fears I’ve identified as obstacles to men asking women out on dates.
Conquer the Fear Factor's Big 5!:
1. Fear of Disapproval or Rejection—
The method for conquering a fear of disapproval or rejection is to understand that you simply cannot please everyone – it’s physically impossible. You cannot do it. Which means, you’re not supposed to do it. You’re not expected to do it – by anyone who’s sane. (And if you’re dating anyone who’s insane, let’s eliminate them right now.) You must not expect yourself to do the impossible. You must accept that fact that everyone has different motives, goals, tastes, likes, and dislikes. You will not be everyone’s cup of tea, nor will everyone be yours.
You will be rejected or disapproved of by some men. And you, too, will reject and disapprove of some women, as well. You need to expect that it will happen.
Yikes, think about what would happen if no one rejected anyone! And while it can be painful and hurtful to realize you’re not “good enough” for someone – You would date the wrong people, who didn’t really love you, but didn’t want to hurt your feelings, and waste your time – and their time! You would both be living lies and hurting each other in the long run. You would be spending your most precious commodity – time – with the wrong person! Doesn’t that make rejection seem like a gift, now?
What matters is that you remain true to what you know to be important and right, and count on others to do the same. If you are certain about who you are and what you want, you will be able to put this fear aside because your opinion, and those of others, will be guideposts along the road to success. A rejection, like a flashing red light, will keep you from going down the wrong road.
2. Fear of Failure—
The key to overcoming the fear of failing is to change your concept and definition of failure. True failure is lying: Lying to others is failure, and lying to your own self is the worst failure of all. Anything else is just an obstacle along the way.
Embrace perseverance. Embrace the idea that this search for the right woman is precious and when you find her, you will value the relationship because of all the hard work it took. Embrace everything you’re learning along the way. Diamonds are expensive because they are precious. They are not easy to find or cut. The same is true with oil. Treat your dating life with the same respect.
Who said it was going to be easy? See the world and your dating life in terms of batting averages and practice shots – not perfection. Recognize that even the best of the best miss over 50% of the time, in fact the best home run hitters in professional baseball are the ones that strike out the most. Most successful home run hitters spend most of their baseball careers striking out. They are famous, however, for that handful of those out of the park wallops. Every time you step up to the plate and take a swing, you’re getting one step closer to realizing success.
3. Fear of The Unknown—
The things we don’t know, can’t understand, or can’t explain, are what I refer to as, “fear of the unknown.” For instance, when we were children, we feared darkness and the boogeyman. As an adult, we may fear people of different cultures and beliefs or situations that are new and different. There is a simple remedy for this kind of fear—knowledge. Knowledge brings a comforting familiarity to the unfamiliar, unheard-of, and obscure.
4. Fear of Change—
Whether it is a new situation, like moving to a different state, a new challenge, like getting divorced, or a new job, many of us fear change. The antidote for this type of fear comes in the form of the confidence we gain from accomplishing goals, overcoming hardships, and meeting challenges ... however small they may be. The first change is always the hardest, but when we see that the roof doesn’t fall in, we will be able to remember it next time we face a change and do so with less fear and more grace.
5. Fear of Success—
Few address their fear of success because it can be hard to even believe it exists. Yet it is a very real and very prevalent fear for many of us. Often a fear of success comes from a deep seeded belief that we do not deserve success, so we subconsciously sabotage ourselves. We do this by creating drama, often. Breaking up with a girlfriend or girlfriend or starting a fight when things are calm, are other ways we sabotage our success and happiness. If you find yourself doing this, try to figure out where the idea that you don’t deserve something came from. The more aware you are of the origins of this fear, the better chance you have of uncovering it, examining it, and conquering it.
Give Yourself a New Attitude!:
Once you figure out what’s making you fearful, you can strive to conquer your fears from the inside, while gaining a great perspective and attitude on the outside. For instance, gaining confidence is an inside job and an outside job. If you know you look good, trust me – you’ll feel more confident asking a woman out than if you’re not sure how you look. Spend the extra time and money on yourself to get yourself into great shape – body, clothes, hair, grooming – the works.
Dating is a Numbers Game:
Then put yourself out there! As explained in my book, Date Out Of Your League, Dating is a numbers game, and not asking a woman out – for whatever reason – even fear – is not giving yourself a chance up to bat. Of course you’re going to strike out sometimes. It’s normal. The best ball players strike out a lot – because they take the opportunities they get to hit a home run, seriously. The same thing goes for business. The best business people take calculated risks and put themselves out there. Yes, they have failures under their belt – but they also have successes! The same is true with dating – if you don’t ask women on dates, you’ll never find yourself on dates, and if you don’t date, you won’t be in a relationship. So play the numbers game: Get her numbers, dial them on your phone and ask her out. If you both have a nice time, asking her out for the second date will be easier. I promise!