Is It Okay To Date More Than One Man... At Once?
Advice On Dating Multiple Men At The Same Time
Dear April Masini,
I am dating three different men and feeling a bit conflicted about it. First of all, I haven't told any of them about one another, although exclusivity hasn't come up. I'm not sure if I'm being dishonest or just implementing a don't ask, don't tell policy."
Is it OK to be dating multiple men? And if so, how do I handle it so that I don't hurt anyone and, when I'm ready to become exclusive, I am able to do that? Do you have any dating tips for me?
Sincerely, Man Juggler
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Man Juggler,
Women who are looking for Mr. Right should definitely be dating more than one man at a time. If you read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, you'll see why. Here's an excerpt:
Suppose for a moment that you eliminate all of the intangible woman-fluff that traditionally accompanies dating -- in other words, take away romance and fate so that you’re left with a pragmatic, practical point of view. I call this approach “The Numbers Game.” It is based on the way men think about dating and business. If you get down to business and follow “The Numbers Game,” it will save you hours of time, heartache and (a big red-flag to men!) over-analyzing. It will multiply your success in dating (or in just about anything else you do) – that is if you are willing to at least give it a try. You’ll find that it can change your life. Let it!
The principles of the game:
1. You are a company.
2. You are the company’s only salesman, marketer and advertiser.
3. Men are your company’s customers and they make their buying decisions based upon the goods you produce (i.e. yourself); in other words, you have to present the best product with not only the best structural quality, but also the best packaging, and advertising possible. (You must have the best possible inner and outer selves.)
4. Your personal style differentiates your company from all the others. If you’re going to compete in the Fortune 500, you’d better know how to generate the best revenue.
5. The world’s best salesmen don’t have a 100% sales rate, or a 75% sales rate; nor do they have a 50% sales rate, or even a 25% sales rate. The world’s best salesmen are lucky to maintain a 10% sales rate. A 10% sales rate = one in every 10.
If you’re not catching my drift yet, think of it this way: To win this game, you have to be the best company you can be, making the best product and selling the best services. Moreover, you have to keep trying to improve every aspect of your corporation, no matter what hurdles you face. (For example, the GAP went through a slow sales period for some years, but the company has started posting increases in their quarterly sales.)
Need another example for how to play "The Numbers Game", other than thinking of yourself as a company? How about shopping on Christmas Eve for the most sought-after, yet widely unavailable gift on the market? Both going on dates and shopping on the busiest day of the year require focus, persistence, a competitive edge and a will to win. The more special the prize, the harder you must work and the more avenues you must be willing to explore.
When you realize one of these guys is THE ONE -- then you should give it your all. The idea is not to waste your time or his.
The good news is that men do need commitment (at some point in their lives) just as much as women do – but they want it packaged differently. When people write to me asking if they ever will find their “soul mates”, I tell them that they have to change their thinking processes. Our male soul mates will not be the same as us; we are not looking for our twin. Men are coming from a completely different place and traveling in a whole different mode of transportation. If you don’t quite get why we’re so different and why we have to respect those differences, read on! You’ll be shocked to discover how different love is for men and women.
* FORGET about implementing “total disclosure” when you first meet a man, and forget about being completely up-front, honest, and open about what you are thinking and feeling.
First of all, you want to create mystery. You want him to want to know more about you. In fact, you want him to want to know everything about you. If you tell him all there is up front, he’ll be sated, and that’s no good for allure! Second, too much information can be a real mood-killer. Although it may sound great in theory, in the dating arena, the “over-share” will not only prove ineffective, it will probably send the man running in the opposite direction.
He doesn’t need to know everything right away – because he doesn’t want to know everything right away. Men do not have the same need to really “know” one another’s deepest darkest secrets. Ladies, as much as you want the man in your life to want to know all about you (so he can “understand the real you”) — the feeling is not mutual. Sorry, but that is a misconception ... I strongly advise against stressing yourself out in the pursuit of searching his soul. If he doesn’t offer, don’t dig. All he really wants to do is desire you. He wants to feel great, and he wants to know you do, too. He wants to show you a good time on a date that you can both enjoy. Period.
* FORGET about being too available.
He wants to chase you. If he gets you too easily, you’ll have denied him the chase he wants. He doesn’t want to feel like he got the booby prize date that doesn’t have anything else going on, and is lucky to have something to do. He wants to feel lucky he got the date.
* FORGET about accepting last minute dates.
Again, he may want you tonight (or tomorrow night), but he’ll want you even more if you’re already busy. He’ll realize that to get you, he’s going to have to fend off other suitors. It sounds old-fashioned, but it’s true. When he does get you on a date, he’ll be more excited about it.
* FORGET about making the first move.
Let the man be the aggressor and the pursuer. Don’t you dare lean in to kiss him on the first date or on your second date, either. In fact, don’t make it too easy for him to kiss you – or more. Hugh Grant was speaking for 99% of men when he said he misses the 'chase' as a reason for going to a hooker, when he had the beautiful Ms. Hurley home alone in bed. Ladies, this is the real life—not a movie where men are tender heart romantics who never judge a woman who sleeps with them too soon. Yes, when presented with the opportunity most men will have sex, although there are always exceptions—they probably won't pursue a long-term romance with what they see as an easy woman.
Sounds harsh, I know, but deep down they feel she's decreased her 'value’.
Factoid: Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
* FORGET about calling men “just to talk.”
Your job is to create mystery, allure and desire. If you are too available, and if you don’t give him the opportunity to miss you, you’ll lose the tension you are trying to build. The only reason for calling a man is to return his call. Period.
* FORGET about telling a man you like him first.
Let a man express his feelings and interest first. Let him feel the sheer terror of not being sure that you will accept his feelings or even return them. Believe it or not, this is part of the adrenalin rush he craves when he chases women. It may seem cruel, but if so, it’s because you don’t understand his needs. The more uncertainty and terror he feels, the greater the conquest, when you return his feelings. Remember – you’re not his mother. It’s not your job to make him feel safe. You are there to make him keep coming back.
* FORGET about stressing over petty details. He doesn’t care!
He’s not your girlfriend – he’s a man. He’s not going to care or even notice if your handbag is “a little bit off” or if you’re a brunette and he’s always had a thing for blondes. Quit making yourself crazy. He doesn’t care about that stuff. You’re out on a date with a great guy. Besides, here’s how your "obsessions" are probably playing out in his head:
**She didn't exactly come across as brilliant, but she sure blew my mind whenever we kissed. She snores when she sleeps, but she sleeps naked. She can’t keep her mouth shut, but she loves oral sex. I can hear her pee, but as soon as she comes out of the bathroom, she'll ride me like a wild Bronco. She's on her period, but as soon as it's over, we'll have sex again. Actually, on second thought ... why wait?
Are you starting to see the pattern? Of course, that's at the beginning of the relationship. As time goes on, those things, even the ones that he actually told you he considers cute, will come to be perceived as less cute, and more annoying. This process is directly proportional to the amount of sex you're having, or not having. The ratio is: The more sex you have, the longer he'll consider those things cute (or at least not annoying). Cut back on the sex and suddenly your snoring will be perceived as cannon fire, and all that cute talking you do? Good grief, can't she ever give that mouth a rest (or at least figure out something better to do with it)?
And take heart, while men might not worry as much about their weight, or what they said (or didn't say) as much as women do, they do have their own concerns ... penis size (shape, girth, etc.) being chief among them, with hair loss, height, and job position (success level) coming in next. The reality is, men worry and obsess, too—just about different things.
* FORGET about cheating on him.
Men look for loyalty in a woman, and while “Stand by Your Man” may have been a hit for Tammy Wynette—to say nothing of the long list of women who have made it their mantra over the years, from Hillary Rodham Clinton to Mary Jo Buttafuoco — don’t think for one minute a man will begin singing the same tune!
Men will not forgive a cheating girlfriend. Guys that have been betrayed, especially in the bedroom, are far less likely to forgive their partners than women would be in the same situation. Women can win big points by supporting their man in front of colleagues and friends and defending him when necessary.
Click here for my complete dating guide for women -- Think & Date Like A Man.