Stop Acting Like the Man if You're Not One!
The 5 Rules (and Mistakes) to Avoid When Pursuing a Man
Dear April Masini,
I started a relationship doing all the wrong things (not playing by the rules). I was too available, called him too much, was too attentive, let him know how I felt first (that I liked him), maybe gave too much information too soon, and slept with him a little bit sooner than I should have."
He has now cooled off (didn't call me for several days) and I sent him a "final" e-mail asking if we weren't talking anymore (and told him he was rude for not even making a courtesy call) and he e-mailed and explained that he isn't ready for a relationship, that he was sorry for the mixed messages (he seemed soooo interested in the beginning), and that he liked me as a person "a lot" and wanted to remain friends. I didn't respond. He called me that night (I didn't pick up or call back), and he called me again the next night (last night) -- again I did not pick up or call back.
Can I turn it around now that he has cooled off on me? Does this mean that I can now play the "chase-me game" and win him over? Should I wait till after the weekend to call him back (which kind of makes me a hypocrite for being rude and not returning phone calls or e-mails)? As you can see, I desperately need some dating advice!
Signed, Is It Too Late?
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Is It Too Late?
I'm afraid that it may be too late for this particular man. The good news is that you realize what you did wrong. The next piece of good news is that you're writing to me and not him. The third piece of good news (I bet you didn't think there'd be this much good news coming to you!) is that you really do know what you've done wrong. The bad news is that you're still wanting to do it, and you want me to tell you to stop it. And unlike you're former date, I'm going to tell you exactly what you want to hear, but are afraid to listen to, when you say it to yourself: Stop acting like the man! Just Think and Date Like One. Did you hear me? Wait -- I'll yell it this time:
Rule #1 - Stop Acting Like the Man if You're Not One!
You were too available. You said it yourself. Now go and read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, it will help you to understand how men think and behave. The more you understand men, combined with being the woman that you are -- the more likely you will be to get the man that you want. And believe me -- that's how men are thinking about women. If you read my book and take my "Man Think" quiz, you'll have the insight and the tools you need to understanding the male mind. And you'll understand that they do love -- and need -- the chase. They're historically hunters, and that piece of them still exists. They are happy to win, and when you're the prize, all the better.
#2 Don't Be So Available
Don't answer the phone just because it rings. Get an answering service or an answering machine and use it. Practice restraint. Most people run to grab the phone, and this just telegraphs the message that they're home, they're not busy, they're not with anyone else -- and possibly, they're just not that special.
If your time is valuable because you are a rare commodity, you're not going to be able to pick up every call. And believe me. Your guy is not going to want to win the party favor that everyone gets just for showing up. He's going to win the grand prize, so let that prize be you. And if you're not busy and unavilable, act busy and unavailable!
#3 Don't Return Every Phone Call or E-mail the Same Day - Especially in the Beginning
Just because he calls and leaves a message or e-mails you or even IMs you doesn't mean you should return his message that day. In fact, by waiting a day or two and then returning the message with grace and charm and warmth, you'll create a much better impact on him than if you're always there and he can get you whenever he wants.
Men want a bit of a challenge -- that doesn't mean you should be a contrarian -- but you should give him a little bit of a run for his money! Remember -- they want to feel that they won, and if you do call back the next day and he's feeling like, "Yes! She called back!" You're much more likely to make him want more. And that's what you want him to want if you want him.
#4 Your First Date is Not a First Interview
So don't give him your resume! It's good to get to know each other, but you don't have to disclose everyone on the first date -- in fact, it's not a good idea to recite your autobiography too soon. Let him get to know you little by little. Don't withhold or disclose deal breakers -- like the fact that you have a child or you will only marry someone of a certain religion -- obviously, those are deal breakers that you should disclose and find out about, hopefully, before your first date, but if not, then by the first date.
There is an art to conversation, and the ancient and not so ancient courtesans understood flirtation as a tool to conversation and how to engage a man and hook him -- with words! If you're easily tongue-tied or a regular practitioner of "the pregnant pause" then read up on the art of conversation and practice with friends, families and first dates. Be conscious of what you're saying rather than blurting out things before you've thought about them. Understand how to flirt and practice flirtation. It's very sexy and you can find out what kind of sexual chemistry the two of you have long before any of your clothes come off!
#5 When You Do Go Out With Him, DON'T Sleep With Him Too Soon
Whether or not you want to believe it, men will sleep with a woman because they can. So just because he slept with you does not mean you are in a committed relationship or that he thinks you're special or that you're the only one he's sleeping with. If you allow yourself to imagine any of that you're just setting yourself up for a disappointment.
Do be aware of your sexuality and the sexual chemistry the two of you have and nourish that so that when you do sleep with him, it's something he's "won" and is proud of. Make him think of you as the prize. And don't limit that to the cerebral you! Make your body a paradise -- make sure that you're as well taken care of you as you can and enjoy the sex when you do have it. Men love it when you love sex. They love it when they please you sexually as well as other ways. Allow him to please you and to take pleasure in your body. But if you do any of this too soon, you've ruined the effect of your own respect for your sexuality, your body and sex with you. Remember -- he wants to hunt and capture. Facilitate the hunt!
When He Wants to Be "Just Friends" That's Your Cue to Exit
If he doesn't ask you out, and you're initiating the majority of the calls and e-mails, you're not hearing him tell you he doesn't want to be your boyfriend or your future partner. If he says, "Let's just be friends," and you have any hope of finding a partner of the opposite sex, take your cue and don't just be friends. Be two people who tried to make it work and didn't. That means you don't call, you don't write and you smile and be pleasant when you run into him at a coffee shop, at work or at a party. And most importantly, you use the free time you now have to hone your skills as a woman and find the man you want. If you do what I told you, you'll get him!