What Do You Do When You are Bored With Your Marriage?
Tips for Putting the Spark Back In Your Relationship
Dear April Masini,
I love my wife – but I’m, frankly, bored. I don’t want to have a roving eye, but I do. Does this mean we’re headed for divorce? Do you have any tips or advice for making our relationship a little more exciting?"
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Last Dance,
You’re HARDLY over. If you think being bored is a sign of divorce then you need to get out more and see what real problems are!
EXCERPT: "Trust me. It happens. We’ve all been through it at some point or another. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, watch out! Mr. Routine and Mrs. Ritual have an amazing way of sneaking up on you, if you let your guard down. And that’s why I wrote Romantic Date Ideas—to fight off the ho-hum boredoms that can easily manifest themselves when we’re all consumed in our every day, day-to-day, whatevers. Now, if this scenario sounds all too familiar to you, don’t stress. It’s nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, it’s probably not even anything to worry about–as long as you’re ready and willing to take action and start shaking things up a little."
If you love your wife and there is enough good in your life, chances are this applies to you -- you just need to shake things up a little bit (Romantic Date Ideas will tell you exactly what to do), and you'll be just fine.
First Shake Up Starts with Yourself:
It’s completely normal to be bored in life and in marriage, but boredom is NOT a grounds for divorce. In fact, there are lots of kinds of boredom, and before you shake it up in your marriage make sure that you’re happy with your own life in the ways that are easy to fix. For example, are you exercising and do you feel fit? If not, you could easily get blue and depressed. Get a physical. Start a workout routine, join a gym, and start taking care of yourself. That is truly the first step to adding spice to your marriage. If you’re down in the dumps you’re not going to make much of a lover.
After you get your exercise routine going, start eating well. No more lunch from a drive-through. Take care of your body as if you were both the coach and the star athlete in training. Then make sure your hair is great, your nails and skin are great – yes, guys, I’m talking to you – and vamp up your wardrobe. It doesn’t take a million bucks. Just a new pair of shoes, a cashmere sweater, and for goodness sakes, get rid of those ripped boxers! Now, you’re ready to shake it up in your bedroom, and your wife will have taken notice if you’ve done everything I’ve just asked of you.
Shake it Up in the Bedroom:
- Examine your taboos. If there is something you would NEVER do in bed, figure out why you would never do it-- and while you're figuring it out -- try doing it -- on a smaller scale, if necessary -- to see what kind of thrill you get. Sometimes our fears and anxieties are the key to our pleasure. Recognize that sometimes anxiety is excitement. Try to tell the difference between the two when they're happening to you. Never do anything that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, but at the same time, remember -- you're in a rut, and you want to get out of it. Especially in the bedroom. Start stepping out of the rut by opening your mind just a crack.
- Baby steps. Increments of change are really important in sex – as well as a sense of humor. You're never going to go from a virgin to a lap dancer in twenty seconds. It may take years and even decades before you feel comfortable doing certain things, sexually -- and sometimes you just don't get there at all. But goals are only there to guide us. When it comes to sex, the journey is the goal, and the sooner you learn that, the better sex you're going to have. Getting out of a sexual rut is tougher than it looks -- especially when you leave out some or most of the steps in between A and B. If you want to try something new, and you don't achieve exactly what you set out to achieve, it’s very easy to quit. You can quickly feel that you’re shot down, or that things didn’t go the way you wanted them to. Don’t get dejected and give up! Just slow down, and adjust your goal to something smaller. Allow yourself to be in the moment and enjoy each tiny step along the way. The payoff if you succeed is huge and exponential. A great sex life is the gift that keeps on giving, so push the envelope by examining the edges of it.
- Make your sex life X-rated. Once you’ve figured out what those boundaries are, and where you’d like to go – whether it’s role playing, dressing up, sensual toys, electric toys, a little light bondage – or whatever it is – shake it up by getting out of the house. Hit a sex shop with your partner -- or a best friend -- for ideas and an afternoon of shopping that can lead to an evening of hot sex. Be open-minded. If you need to have lunch with a glass of wine before you take this shopping spree, do it! This can be great fun. Especially if it’s something you’ve never done before and are a little anxious -- or just excited -- about doing.
- Put the lust in wanderlust. Travel like you've never traveled before. If you've never slept on the ground under a full moon, get a tent and a couple of sleeping bags and plan a down and dirty camping and fishing trip. On the other hand, if you're always budget minded, splurge on a spa vacation with mud baths, massages, seaweed wraps and every other decadent thing you can think of. Pack a suitcase and book some last minute plane tickets for a weekend of indulgence or pack up the car and take a great road trip. Make sure you stay focused on the goal – intimacy and sex – but shaking up your environment and getting out of your house and your own bedroom can do wonders for your sense of creativity, sexuality and fun. Bring some little shake-it-up toys from your shopping spree in your suitcase!
Expectations Can Be Dampers on Sexuality:
How many times in a marriage has one person come to bed ready for sex, and their partner didn't respond the way they expected, so they just threw in the towel and went to sleep, disappointed? A lot! It's difficult to shake up your own expectations of what will happen in the bedroom, but being flexible gives your sex life and your marriage more of a chance.
So many of us watch television, read magazines, and glimpse tabloid photos of celebrity or fictional marriages in movies and on shows and we forget that that is not real life. It's just little glimpses into other people's lives, most of which we know NOTHING about. And sometimes, it's not even glimpses into real lives -- it's glimpses into fictional lives of television characters and movie plots written to grab an audience's attention and titillate.
When we start comparing ourselves to fiction and celebrity, we lose touch with reality and sometimes throw away a good relationship to chase what isn't even real! That only leads to eventual disappointment and depression. Stay grounded! Remember what is real, and if you forget, get out of your house and your neighborhood and even your circle of friends and look around at what is real. You'll see that life can be pretty mundane sometimes and that is normal. Accept it, and your enjoy peaks and valleys that come naturally in your relationship -- and if they aren't coming quickly enough, like a good martini, shake it up gently, and luxuriate in the enjoyment.
For romantic date ideas that are sure to inspire better sex, pick up my book Romantic Date Ideas.