What to Do When Your Mom Hates Your Date
Advice for When Your Parents Disapprove of Your Date
Dear April Masini,
My mother and I have always had a good relationship, but now there's a problem. I'm dating a woman that I really like, and I brought her home to meet my parents, but my mother doesn't like her. Do you have any tips for what I should do?"
Signed, Mom's In The Mix
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Mom's In the Mix,
Most of us look to our parents for approval -- no matter what age we are. In fact plays and movies like Amadeus, show how a parent can influence you life -- even from beyond the grave. But the crucial factor about whether mom’s approval is important to you or not, is how you, as a guy, feel about your mom.
Are You Conflicted About Your Mom?
If you have conflicting feelings about your mother, and your mother okays the girl you bring home, AND you go on to marry her, at some point you may rebel against your mother, and divorce your wife who either represents your feelings about your mother, or who happens to be the object of your emotions.
If you have clear feelings about your mother, it doesn’t really matter what mom says. In fact, the girl she disapproves of may just be your love for life.
However, most moms have their children’s best interests at heart, even when their children are grown ups, and it is important to find out what your mom disapproves of. If you understand what it is, exactly, that your mother disapproves of in your date, then you can decide if you agree with your mother or not. If she just "doesn’t like the date” without giving a reason, you’re going to have a harder time figuring out what to do -- if anything. Ask mom to elaborate on what it is she doesn’t like. Below are some common reasons moms give a thumbs down.
Reasons Mom May Disapprove:
1. Appearance - If your honey shows up wearing Daisy Dukes and a midriff bearing, cleavage sporting baby tee shirt, with her black roots showing through a bad dye job, and chipped nail polish, mom may be concerned that your girlfriend isn’t a fitting daughter-in-law that mom can show off or brag about. Yes, your wife is part of mom’s trophy collection.
2. Class difference - If her family is blue collar, and yours is - blue-blood, mom may wonder if her future grandchildren aren’t going to be hillbillies. Tell mom that you appreciate her concern for future generations, but in the interest of evolution you’ve decided to expand the family gene pool.
3. Education difference - If the girl you bring home never went to college and dropped out of high school -- even if it’s to support her family -- and you come from an Ivy League dynasty, mom may pause on her approval. Remind mom that education does not equal intelligence. Just because your gal doesn’t have a BA doesn’t mean she can’t be a great Mrs.
4. Financial difference - If she comes from a poor family background, and you have a lot of inheritance in your family, mom may think she’s after your dough. Pre-nups are hard to enforce these days, but they’re always an option. And then again, money isn’t all life is about. Offer to be cut off from family money, yourself, if mom feels that strongly -- you'll test yourself and your girlfriend by doing so, and mom may come around.
5. Manners - If she cusses like a sailor, and your family’s method of expressing anger is through clenched jaws and a high-powered litigator, mom may be embarrassed for the way your gal reflects on you and the family. Chances are, your gal pal will want to spruce up a little, and mom can stand to loosen up a little.
6. Racial or religious differences - Mom may not be enlightened as to tolerance and differences, so don’t let her lack of education stand in the way of a great love. If Arnold and Maria could cross political party lines to make a family, you can deal with your differences.
Three Reasons Mom Might Be Right About Your Date:
1. She’s been married four times already. And she’s 28 years old. While divorce is pretty common these days, watch out for serial marriages. Someone who’s had a string of marriages should have reasons that you understand and accept for the litany of I Dos.
2. She’s been in drug rehab. Recently. Recovering drug addicts do tend to relapse and while this is not a flashing red light don’t get married to someone who’s been in rehab recently without professional counseling.
3. She’s been arrested -- more than once. Anyone who’s prone to breaking the law more than once isn’t a team player, and marriage -- especially if you plan to have children -- requires some conservative thinking. Mom may be right on this one.