Why Nice Guys Finish Last
Dating Help for Nice Guys
Dear April Masini,
Every time I meet a beautiful woman she wants to become my friend -- not my girlfriend. Next thing you know she's off dating some arrogant, a-hole, jerk. What am I doing wrong? I'm good looking. I've got a great job. I own my own home. I'm generous. I'm thoughtful. I'm kind, and I am so sick of hearing "really such a nice guy, BUT...."! I'm the great catch, but feel like I'm the loser. Please help!"
Nice Guys Finish Last
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Nice Guy,
It just so happens that I wrote an article for Yahoo! on this topic! Here it is:
Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky arrogant guy - - the one who barely appears interested in the girl - - is usually the one who gets the girl? Have you suffered from hearing the words, “You’re a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend,” from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like crap? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants?
Well, you better brace yourself because I’m going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.
First, “nice” equates with boring and predictable. Look up “nice” in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average – not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.
I’ll bet you’ve never heard a woman say she didn’t want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you?
But, I’ll bet you have heard women say things like, “He’s such a nice guy. He’s so sweet and he’s always there for me, but I only like him as a friend.” Or, “He’s such a good guy -- kind; thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal – but there’s no chemistry. He just doesn’t turn me on.”
Sadly, I hear it all the time.
The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won’t work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way. What I suggesting is that you value and respect your self more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, “Why does the guy who doesn’t appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?” is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much – all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman’s attention, affection and approval – and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes. After all, if he’s already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything – why would she value him? She won’t. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident and more valuable.
It works like this: Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and its outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.
Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value… it’s human nature.
The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego and self worth in what one woman’s response or reaction to him is. He doesn’t gush with compliments; he isn’t always available; he doesn’t give too much; and he knows he isn’t going to die if a woman says “no” to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I’d like to go out with you, but if I can’t, that’s ok – I’m a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options.
TIP: If you're a "nice guy" and have a question for me, I would be happy to answer it... please post it on my advice forum. The forum is free and confidentiality is always protected.