Your Date Lives With Their Parents
Advice For How to Decide if You Really Want to Date a Man (or Woman) Who Still Lives With Mom and Dad
Dear April Masini,
I met a great guy -- but he lives with his parents. Is this okay? I need some advice on what to do when the man you think you could fall in love with still lives with his parents."
Signed, Rolling With The Home Boys
April Masini's Advice :
Dear Rolling With The Home Boys:
Now that the internet has made the girl next door (or the boy next door) one of about a million boys and girls who are only an IM away, there are SOOOOOO many different options for people who date. There are men and women who are single and always have been. There are men and women who are suddenly single. There are men and women who are single parents. There are men and women who are widows and widowers. And....there are men and women who still live with their parents. Yes, boys and girls, not everyone grows up and moves out. So what do you do when you meet someone -- either in real life or on the internet -- who looks great on paper, so to speak, but their mailing address is in care of mom and dad?
Why, Oh Why?
Figure out why he's living at home.
If he's truly in transition -- meaning he's been living at home for three months or less and has a plan for moving out -- then he may not fail to launch. Lots of people have valid reasons for living at their folks' home. Sometimes they've just graduated college, and are still not out on their own yet -- but are in the process of getting going. Sometimes they've had a medical set back, perhaps they had to have surgery, and are at home to get a little TLC before they go back out on their own. Perfectly acceptable. Maybe there's been a financial downfall. They're unpleasant, but they're part of life. If he needed a month or two at home to get back on his feet financially, it's understandable. However, if he's been there for more than three months, for any reason whatsoever, and he has no viable plan for leaving mom and dad's house, you're dating a launch pad failure.
If He Wants to Get to Home Base With You, His Home Base Better Be His Own:
Don't make his home base okay for you.
If he's living at home and wants to invite you to his parents house as if it's truly his own, take three steps backwards -- and then run. The reason for this is that if you make his living situation okay, you're complicit in your failure to launch date. If you make it clear to him that you really like him, and want to date him more, but you don't want to be at his folks house for anything other than dinner with all four of you -- including his folks -- and that, only after you're serious about him -- then he'll get the picture. You're here for now, but not for the long run as long as he's at mom and dad's. The second you make out with him or sleep with him in his parents house, you've set a precedent. Not just for him, but for both of you. If you stick to your guns and let him know that he's great, the situation, however, is not, then you're less likely to get stuck in a rut where you like him, you're sleeping with him, you have feelings with him, and you hate the situation, but it's hard to get out of.
Give Yourself a Limit:
It's really easy to put ultimatums on him.
Believe me, he's had a lot more than your ultimatum on his plate. This is a guy who's used to getting his way, and isn't up for compromising. What is going to be more effective than getting into an argument or a conflict with him on this issue is for you to accept him and his situation and give yourself the ultimatum. It should sound something like this: If he's still living with his parents in eight more weeks, I'm going to stop dating him and move on to greener pastures.
When it's a Great Idea to Date a 30-Something Guy Who Lives With His Parents:
1. You don't want a mature, committed relationship.
2. You need a date for certain events and parties, but you're not really interested in anything beyond that.
3. You're 30 something and you live with your parents, and his parents have a better place than yours!
Should a Man Date a Woman Who Lives With Her Parents?
Women are not judged as harshly by society for living at home, as men are -- up to a certain age. Traditionally, men are expected to take care of themselves and their own family when they come of age. If they aren't taking care of their own family (their mother and father), they are expected to be preparing through college and a career, to take care of their own wife and children one day. Women, traditionally, are seen as more of a help at home with mom and dad, and are not expected in the same way that men are, to leave the nest. Women are sometimes seen as an asset to their families for helping out at home, or preserving their virginity by not living a wild life of dating and partying because they're at home. Men, traditionally, are expected to sow a few oats and go a little crazy before they do settle down. Although these perceptions are sometimes completely out of whack -- they do exist.
That said....If you're a guy, and you're interested in a woman who's living at home, be prepared for the following:
1. Don't have sex with her at her parents house. You may wake up with a shot gun in your face or a future mother in law who's just a tad too eager to have you as her son in law, and knows where you live!
2. When you show up to take her out on a date, bring her mother a little something as a gift. A small bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates is respectful and will win you points with your date and her parents.
3. Don't expect the same kind of independence from this woman that you would from a woman who has made her own life out of the house. She will probably expect to go from her parents house to your house -- and that's fine as long as you're aware and okay with that.